


to survive

by wildflower (bangtrashsyd)



Series: broduce 101 [1]
Category: NU'EST, Produce 101 (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Dysfunctional Relationships, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt, justice league team ftw, lol what am i doing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-05
Updated: 2017-06-20
Packaged: 2018-10-28 09:35:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 29,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10828572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bangtrashsyd/pseuds/wildflower
Summary: when Jonghyun hears about the company's new initiative to boost NU'EST's popularity, he thinksoh thank Godthen devises and plans. the problem is, Produce 101 is a reality show. and plans fall apart easily, under survival and under (he knows this too well) Mnet's editing.no matter.if he doesn't make it to the top eleven, one of his boys will.he swore it on his life.thank you for 14k hits!! won first place in the canon compliant category in the Wanna One Fanfiction Awards!





	1. war and survival

**Author's Note:**

> i've fallen for another one gr8

"We're sending you lot to Produce 101." The company representative texts Jonghyun first. 

He's hardly in the studio anymore, practicing or rapping or whatever he used to do to keep his hopes up. Instead, he stares at the chessboard on his cousin's dining table and loses himself to music, tapping the beat on anywhere he can find. He even fiddles with the keyboard or his guitar, the remnants of what he had after his mother kicked him out of the house.

Jonghyun has changed. Gone is the shy, introverted kid who thought he could make it big. It's depressing, but Jonghyun has always been a survivor. Which is why he is not totally adverse to the idea of attending a reality show. 

"OK." He replies, and pulls on some clothes. He leaves the house, locking the gate behind him, and strolls down the streets of Myungdong, stopping to get the honey butter chips Minhyun is obsessed with. They still keep in contact, which is surprising for a group that is a constant failure, but again they were close. They grew up together. 

Jonghyun meets Minki at the doorstep. Minki's hair is ruffled and flat on one side. Jonghyun slides an arm around his shoulder and fixes it absently. Minki turns to look at him and Jonghyun smiles, releasing him and opening the door. Aron jogs up the steps, grinning at Jonghyun. He presses a cheek to his, and whispers an endearment, laughing as Jonghyun kicks his ass into the building. The door shuts, and they move to the lift together.

 

Minhyun and Baekho are in the conference room already, of course. Minhyun was looking at composing songs recently to up his earnings with copyrights, and it didn't hurt that he actually enjoyed doing it. Baekho was a vocal trainer now, helping the girls with their singing and whatever. Jonghyun always kept tabs on his boys. 

"Hyung." They turn to greet Aron first, who draws both of them into a hug. Then they turn to Minki, and immediately smother him with sweets and his favourite chocolate. Minki grins at them, pinching Baekho's waist. He yelps, and Jonghyun catches him. The both of them turn, and he's greeted with shy, tentative smiles. He grins back, and tosses the chips to Minhyun, who catches it with lightning reflexes. 

"Thanks." Minhyun says, and follows Minki to sit. Jonghyun surveys the table. It's empty except for the two representatives sitting at the middle of the table. The head of the table is left empty, and Jonghyun avoids it. Minki looks at him and shoves him promptly into it, huffing a sigh of: _"Honestly."_

 

 

They decide to leave Aron behind. Aron, the most volatile, explosive member. Most importantly, the stint with Seventeen had not given more fans, and was a strike against their incredibly popular juniors. Besides, he was the strategist, and Jonghyun needed him  _here_ to deal with the public. He would keep score of their points and rankings, listing out threats and promising talents and even the occasional slip to the media. Aron would be good at that.

Baekho would take long to adjust. He was used to the luxury of familiar people, and the privileges that came with promoting experience. Going into Produce 101, he would be robbed of that. He was the most likely to screw up, but Jonghyun would let him be. Failure was a lesson, success was temporary. 

Minki... Jonghyun expected him to do well, of course. His reputation of 'pretty boy' had been out there for six years, so Jonghyun advised the representatives to cut his hair shorter for this. He didn't want anyone with... dishonorable intentions coming towards his member. It had happened before, and Jonghyun always tried to make sure it did  _not_ happen again. However, Minki's catty personality would either endear him or make him plain irritating. It depended on his control, and a little persuasion, but Minki had nodded when they told him to keep it low for the first shooting. 

Minhyun would be okay. Jonghyun knew this deep in his heart, as did everyone. No one said it outright, but they knew Minhyun was their safest bet of making it to the top eleven. He was handsome, sure, and his voice was good. 

Jonghyun pointedly ignores himself, choosing to ask Aron to do it for him.

"Play the leader." Aron advises, "like Nayoung. Be gentle and kind. Throw in a little aegyo, then be a badass for actual performances."

As expected, Aron was the best at this. 

 

Jonghyun woke knowing they were going to screw up. 

He accepts it and moved on. The atmosphere in the car is light-hearted and nervous. Jonghyun briefs them before they start, and they walk into the recording studio with confidence. He checks his reflection in the mirror, brushing a lock of his fringe out of his face. He had made Ba- _Dongho_ look intimidating, but he regretted the choice. Perhaps he should have gone with the teddy bear concept, but his lack of proper tools leaves him no choice but go with the up-swept hairstyle. Minki went back to black, and Minhyun and Jonghyun's hairstyle was similar. 

He smiles at the lot of them and claps a hand on Minhyun's back. Minhyun grabs his hand and Jonghyun looks into his eyes. Minhyun releases the panicked, cornered animal in him and Jonghyun's hand comes down hard on his shoulder. 

"Breathe." Jonghyun orders, watching Minhyun submit. "We'll be fine."

Minhyun's eyes close, and his grip tightens. Then he steps away and his expression smooths over. Jonghyun smiles triumphantly. What a professional. 

"I'm scared." Minki says, and Jonghyun tucks him into his side. 

"Me too." He says, and Minki frowns. 

"You look okay." He accuses, and Jonghyun's smile spreads wider.

"I always do, for you all." He says, letting the tremor into his voice. "Can you be strong for me today, Minki?"

Minki straightens with the responsibility. 

"Yes." He says, and they separate. 

 

Jonghyun hears the gasp and "ahh"s when (he assumes) the PLEDIS company logo flashes on the screen. He readies his boys. With Minki by his side, Jonghyun walks in. 

The sheer number of trainees and chairs present are stunning. Jonghyun refuses to let his eyes drift toward the first place seat. No, they need to stay together. A look at the corner of his eye shows that Dongho is striding. He only does that when he's scared, and Jonghyun smiles. 

He had anticipated the backlash. The trainees before him look awed and angry, and he honestly does not blame them. He surveys the situation. There is a group of four chairs, just nice for the four of them. But it is at the corner, and everyone knows that main cameras aim for centre spots. He spots a couple of seats near the center aisle, but there aren't enough for them to sit together. The boys stand next to him, not touching, not speaking. Good, they remembered. 

He takes his time, outweighing the pros and cons. If he sits near the side, he would show an united front, but unlikely that the high definition cameras would be pointed their way. A seat near the center would offer more screentime, perhaps. Jonghyun takes a risk and chooses the ones at the side. They're NU'EST. They've had  _concerts_ before, he was pretty sure the producers would give them more screentime due to public interest. The trainees are divided between sitting down and standing, and Jonghyun realises that they are taking a long time to sit. The vote seems even, so Jonghyun concludes that they are not sure what to expect. They move to the seats, and are immediately surrounded by rumors and whispers. He lets it slide for the first ten minutes, then turns to whisper to Dongho. 

"Look around pointedly." He directs, and Dongho does just that. The whispers quieten, and Jonghyun allows himself to space out. He rests, keeping his eyes open. The fiasco with the center position catches his interest, but not for long. He settles.

When the trainers walk in, Jonghyun's eyes immediately catches Kahi's. He's stunned, and the look reflects in her expressive eyes. He looks down first, not wanting to lengthen the moment. Swallowing nervously, he avoids her gaze. They were very close, a long time ago. 

The auditions fly past in a blur, and Jonghyun takes down everyone's positions and specialties in a tiny notebook he tucks into his jacket pocket. Before long, it's their turn to go up, and Jonghyun preps the boys. Then suddenly he's on stage again and facing the crowd. They go through the planned 'impromptu' sob story thing and Jonghyun rights himself for the performance. The only thing he wishes he could change is to fix Kahi's expression. If they screw up, most of their fans would blame it on emotional instability. He was riding a lot on Aron's predictions right now.

They begin, and it goes smoothly until he glances at Dongho and he  _knows._ Kahi once told him about the leader's intuition. It was certainly intuition screaming at him now, but Jonghyun can only watch as Dongho executes a failed note. He hates himself in that moments, then Dongho, then himself even more for even bearing ill will towards his best friend. They end sullenly, and Minhyun gets into C, and the rest into D.  Minki makes it off the stage before rounding onto Dongho, and Minhyun catches Minki's elbow to stop him from bashing Dongho in front of the rest of the other trainees. Jonghyun shares a look with Minhyun and goes to Dongho while the other tries to calm Minki down. 

"I'm sorry." Dongho says, and Jonghyun nods.

"Me too." He replies, letting the weight of Dongho's mistake weigh over them.

"I expect more the next time." Jonghyun says, hiding his expression. "I'm disappointed, of course, but I know you can do better. Come on, Baekho."

Dongho stands a little bit straighter, but his eyes are still dull. Jonghyun knows again with a pang in his heart that this will not be the first time he fails on camera.

 

"JR!" Kahi yells at him across the hallway. "Come here, I need to speak with you."

He walks across the room, ignoring the concerned glances of the trainees he has managed to win over. His plan to teach works, with these kids in the D class needing more help than normal. 

"Noona." He greets coldly. 

"Why are you like this?" Kahi asks, the frown on her face boiling through his blood.

"If you had controlled yourself, maybe Ba-Dongho would have been okay." He says spitefully, and Kahi steps back.

"What- You can't  _blame_ me for that." She says, hurt.

"I can." Jonghyun says. "But I know better. It was my fault for not preparing him well."

Kahi is looking at him like he's a different person. He knows what she sees, and her jaw hangs open at his animosity.

"Congratulations on the wedding and the child." He says, eyes glacial. "Thank you for teaching me well today, seonsaeng-nim."

 

He does okay on his re-evaluation. Dongho hasn't gotten it together, and flops on an extraordinary scale. Jonghyun hides his face in his hands and tucks his feet close to himself. Aron will be angry. 

Minki forgets the lyrics.  _Minki forgets the lyrics._ It's one of the most unforgivable and  _stupid_  mistakes an idol can make. He sees the trainees' respect for Minki slip away from his hands, and he wants to get it back, wants to kick Minki out there again because  _he can do it._ He restrains himself, and darts his head up as Minki passes by. The other flinches, and Jonghyun is glad. 

After the evaluation, he decides to go to Minki first and let Dongho soak in his bitterness.

"What was that?" Jonghyun asks him calmly.

"I'm sorry." Minki says, holding out the pale unblemished inside of his wrist. He's given Jonghyun the permission to do this to him, and Jonghyun checks his eyes to make sure. If he begins this, he'll be going back to the system they used during training and practice as NU'EST. 

"Do it." Minki says, eyelashes wet with tears. "Please, I need to get it under control."

Jonghyun nods. He holds Minki's wrist, wrapping the fingers of his left hand around the delicate white flesh. Then he brings down his right hand. 

Minki flinches with the sting. Jonghyun does it four times more, then lets him go. It looks red and angry now, but in the morning it will fade. The pain is temporary, and Minki knows he's safe with him. Jonghyun lets him go, and Minki potters out of the studio.

"What was that?" It's the male vocal trainer, the one who was very unimpressed by their singing. 

"That," Jonghyun says, as he grabs his water bottle. "is how we work."

"By hitting each other?" The older asks, intrigued.

"No, it's called discipline." Jonghyun says quietly, moving out. 

 

He gets one call every week, but he's long lost contact with his family, so he calls Aron instead. 

"Hyung." Jonghyun says into the phone, and Aron hums.

"It's hard." He says, and he can  _feel_ him nodding. 

"You can do this." Aron tells him, then briefs him on the rankings and SNS posts. Jonghyun hums back. It's too early to scheme on Aron's side, so he hangs up with a simple: "Miss you."

"Me too." Aron says wistfully, then cuts the call. 

 

Minhyun drops to D, Minki to F, and Dongho remains at D. Jonghyun ascends to B, but he can't bring himself to feel happy. 

 

Lee Daehwi picks out Minhyun as the second one to pick his team. Minhyun stumbles up there and chooses a fine group of team mates. Jonghyun is proud. Then he's down to the last pick and his eyes drift around, calculating. His eyes meets Jonghyun's, and in the quick glance, he manages to gain his permission and blessing to choose him. 

"B class, Kim Jonghyun." Minhyun confirms, eyes never leaving his. They move off, and Jonghyun holds an emergency meeting.

"Brief me."

Minhyun rattles off a group of names, and Jonghyun is wary of Kwon Hyunbin, who honestly looks like he doesn't know where to put his limbs half the time. 

"You, Jonghyun." Minhyun says. "You're the leader."

The world crashes and burns at Jonghyun's feet, and he loses control. He grabs Minhyun by the shoulder.

"What?!" He asks, and conversation around them slows as Seongwoo turns to stare. 

"I trust you." Minhyun says. "No one else."

Jonghyun's hand relaxes and he lets go. 

"What do you need me to do?"

"Manage screentime." Minhyun surmises. "Maybe offer a little help with the design and everything, you know, like what you do best. I'm thinking of you helping Hyunbin."

They both turn to look at the gangly teenager, whose words die in his throat.

_"Why the heck did Hwang Minhyun pick Kwon Hyunbin?"_

_"He's useless."_

_"He's just pretty, but in such a strong group..."_

Jonghyun gets pissed off at the remarks. He walks over to the boy, and claps his arm.

"We have a lot of work to do with you." He says carefully, watching the boy's shoulders slump. "But if you listen to me, I can help you."

"How?" Hyunbin asks, voice breaking.

"I built Seventeen." Jonghyun decides. He would not let anyone touch this boy, not even the snickering bunch in the other teams. "I will build you."

Hyunbin looks at him with a bit of starstruck awe, and Jonghyun lets the pleasure curl in his stomach. 

 

The first dance practice goes well, except the trouble with Hyunbin. He would have to become harder on him. He was starting to slack off. The tussle would get them screentime. He knows enough about Mnet's editing studios to predict.

Vocal practice goes perfectly, and Jonghyun coaxes Hyunbin's voice into a deeper, fuller imitation of an aristocrat's drawl. Jaehwan is unbelievably _good,_  and Daniel seems to be skilled at everything, which comes as a relief to Jonghyun. He has his hands full with Hyunbin, he needs someone else to mentor Jaehwan too.

"Look here, Hyunbin-ah." He says, eyeing the boy who looks like he's going to fall asleep on his feet. Hyunbin jumps a little bit, but raises his arms anyway. He backs out of practice every hour, and the boys are starting to tire so he lets them take a break. Minhyun pulls him aside.

"Break Hyunbin's attitude." Minhyun requests, and Jonghyun has half a mind to remind him that Hyunbin is a model in the first place. "The others are sensing favoritism."

Jonghyun makes sure to lie his head on Seongwoo's lap and check with Daniel about his sore throat.

The next afternoon, Hyunbin walks out again and Minhyun catches his eye.

"Where's he going now?" Daniel asks, pouting, and Jonghyun hears the whine in his tone. He nods contemplatively.

"Hyunbin-ah!" He calls, and Hyunbin halts in his footsteps.

"Yes, hyung."

"Did I ask you to rest?" Jonghyun makes the question a statement, and Hyunbin trots back, a little rebellious. The flames of anger lick in his belly at the boy's impertinence.

He says the standard things needed for broadcast, then Minhyun walks across the room and takes down the camera hooked high up in the camera. He passes it to Jonghyun, who dismantles it quickly with years of experience. The other boys shift, and Hyunbin's eyes go wide.

"Look at me." Jonghyun says softly. When Hyunbin, bless him, still looks down, Jonghyun grabs his chin and coaxes it up.

"Are you serious about debuting?" Hyunbin's eyes are still wavering, so Jonghyun tightens his grip. "Are you?"

"Yes, hyung." Hyunbin says urgently. Survival instinct, not shame yet. "I'm sorry, hyung."

"Stand up straight when I'm talking to you." He whispers. 

Jonghyun lets him go and watches Daniel tuck his hands behind his back. Seongwoo is frozen on the floor and Jaehwan gulps the bottle of water nervously.

"Do you know what they say about you, Hyunbin?" Jonghyun asks dangerously, and the air turns static.

"Weak." Jonghyun bites off the word in disgust. "Talent-less,  a dead weight, a nobody, a loser."

Hyunbin's shoulders sink, and the shame emanates from every pore.

"I made a promise to you, that I would help you." Jonghyun says, watching him through the mirror. He stands up straighter, on both feet now. "I'm going to show everybody the potential Kwon Hyunbin has. I'm going to make you the best. I'm going to make you shine."

"I cannot do that if you keep up with this attitude." Jonghyun says softly, and Hyunbin looks properly ashamed of himself. Jonghyun glances at Minhyun who nods that it is enough. He fixes the camera and puts it back in its place with a little boost from Jaehwan. He walks back to the boy, and Hyunbin whispers: "I'm sorry."

"What was that?" Jonghyun asks, eyes flashing.

"I'm sorry, I will work harder." Hyunbin looks at him in the eye. "I will listen to you hyung and I will do well. I will make you proud."

_Good boy._

 

"I'll do it." The stylist handling Minhyun's hair is horrible, and he shoos her away before picking up the comb. He brushes Minhyun's fringe slightly away from his eyes, just the way he likes it. Minhyun dances with appropriate strength, but not too much, so he sprays a light coat of hair spray to keep it in place. Clipping the little sideburns, he runs his fingers through the back of Minhyun's head, and the other hums, pleased.

"Hyung is there anything you can't do?" Jaehwan complains amusedly.

"He can't speak English for shit." Aron slides into the room, pressing a finger to his lips at Seongwoo's yelp of surprise.

"Hey, kids." Aron says, eyes assessing them. He passes the iPad in his hands to Jonghyun, who doesn't bother questioning how he managed to sneak into the waiting rooms. Jonghyun scrolls through weeks of articles, picks Seongwoo as the most likely to make it to top eleven in their team, and dismisses Aron to go meet Minki and Dongho.

"Get over here." Jonghyun grabs a q-tip and corrects Jaehwan's eyeliner. He's surprised he still remembers how to do this. 

The stage goes well, of course. He's leading it after all. He has a strong feeling that his team will win, and judging by the way the crowd shrieked when Hyunbin did the catwalk thing, he's succeeded in his little mission. Minhyun grins at him, the adrenaline from being on stage running through his veins. Jonghyun smiles back.

They scamper into the little holding room to announce their results. He's pleased, except for Daniel, and is positively affronted by the snub of the crowd.

"I think you did the best today." He tells Daniel, who looks at him disbelievingly. 

"Take it from someone who's performed for 6 years." Jonghyun advises. "You'll do well in the industry."

Daniel says nothing, but squeezes Jonghyun's hand. He squeezes back.

Jonghyun gives a pleased little grin when Hyunbin gets 142 votes. He won, he succeeded. 

Minhyun hits a little above a hundred, and Jonghyun is satisfied with his average score. Keep him out of attention for the time being, with the time he's spent playing with the editing team. 

He doesn't rank well on the chart, but the Dongho and Minhyun have done well, with Minki even hitting fourth place. Not bad for a boy who forgot his lyrics.

All is well. 


	2. move on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just guess who!! couldn't!! control!! herself!! this probably never happened IRL guys don't worry lol I just tend to write a lot when I'm stressed bc it helps.

"Your mother was spotted by one of your fans." Aron says, and Jonghyun's fingers clench around the phone he has in his hand.

"What happened?" He asks livid. If his mother told his fans off  _again,_ he was sure he would go mad. 

"She's supporting you." Aron says, and Jonghyun is stunned into silence. "Jonghyun? You there?"

He lets the phone slip through his fingers, and Aron's voice sounds tiny and far away. He blinks furiously, picking up the phone again.

"Yes." He says. Aron understands, and sighs wearily.

"I'll leave you some time to think about it." 

"Hm." Jonghyun says absent-mindedly. Aron hangs up first, and Jonghyun stares at the phone in his hand for the remainder of the ten minutes he is allocated. His mind is frazzled and empty at the same time. He's losing control, and he needs-

 

He tries to catch Minhyun in the studio with the rest of the Sorry Sorry Team, who insists on practicing together. Stumbling in, he collapses on the floor and the entire team turns to stare at him. Minhyun is nowhere in sight, and his anxiety makes his breath come in labored pants.

"Hyung?" Daniel is the first to sprint over and help him up. Jonghyun sags at his side, and Jaehwan holds him up on the other side.

"What's happened?" Jaehwan asks gently, and Jonghyun looks at him through lidded eyes.

"Get. Minhyun." He manages to tell him before he breaks off in a series of hacking coughs.

Jaehwan exchanges a look with someone above his head, and Seongwoo and Hyunbin take off through the doors.

They come back soon enough with Minhyun, but Minki and Dongho are in tow and Jonghyun turns away from them. He doesn't want them to see him like this.

"Out." Minhyun says to the rest of the group, and they scatter. "Jonghyun. Look at me."

Jonghyun looks at Minhyun, and Minhyun curses.

"Shit." He says, and runs over to hold Jonghyun in his arms. Jonghyun pushes him away and Minhyun understands. The haze in his mind is numbing.

"Minki, Dongho." He orders, voice tired and in pain. "Hold him up, but face away." 

Minhyun says a soft: "I'm sorry, Hyun-ah."

He slaps Jonghyun across the face, and the slap wakes Jonghyun up from the blur and mess in his brain. He regains control of his body and his senses and jerks out of Minki's and Dongho's stronghold. His legs crumple under him and Minhyun is there to catch him, like he always had. 

"Min." His voice comes off as a whine, and Minhyun turns him so he is curled up in his embrace. Jonghyun feels very small, and very vulnerable, but he's safe  _here._

"It's okay, Hyun-ah." Minhyun says, and Jonghyun tucks himself in. 

He begins to cry.

 

The boys, thankfully, change the topic every time it comes close to the incident. Jonghyun walks into the dorm with a pained limp in his step. The leg injury always hurts too much whenever he panics. He collapses in his bed without changing out of his clothes, and no one says a thing, continuing to potter around the dorm with awkward glances and tripping over each other. Minhyun comes in much later, and the leader in Jonghyun notes the redness of his eyes. He turns away to face the wall, and falls into an uneasy sleep, tossing and turning.

Everyone is still awake hours later, the striking incident probably embedded deep in their minds. Jonghyun blinks up in the darkness, and suddenly there's someone pushing away the blanket he has on him and curling up next to him. It's Seongwoo, and Jonghyun relaxes. The other's hands comb through his hair and he turns into Seongwoo's collarbone. The other freezes up, then continues.

Sometime during the night again, someone turns on the lights and wakes everyone up. It's Hyunbin, who looks tired and a little sheepish.

"Hyung, can we make a pillow fort?" He asks them all and they blink languidly, sleep in their bones. 

"Okay." Jaehwan says, and helps to pull out the mattresses on the lower bunks onto the floor. Everyone kicks off their blankets and pillows onto the padded floor and Seongwoo rolls Jonghyun onto the floor. The laugh when Seongwoo stands and hits his head on the wooden frame, and Seongwoo pouts. They sleep turned towards each other, and Jonghyun dozes off to the feeling of being held together by five other people.

He wakes up first, Daniel's foot intertwined in his, and his arm slung over his stomach. Seongwoo  is curled next to him, nose pressed against his shoulder. His hand is still in Jonghyun's hair, and Jonghyun removes it, sitting up. Hyunbin is tucked into Minhyun's side, and the sight makes Jonghyun smile. Jaehwan is snoring, and Seongwoo's hand lands on his mouth to shut him up. Jonghyun gets up with an 'oof', and makes his way to his bunk. He grabs some protein bars and stuffs his pockets with them, then winds into the bathroom to wash his face and brush his teeth. Seongwoo wakes up next, opening one eye slowly. He is one to wake up fast, just like Jonghyun. He makes his way over to him, settling on the floor. The first hints of daylight peek through the threadbare curtains covering their window.

"Let's draw on them." Seongwoo says with a wicked grin and Jonghyun grins back. For Hyunbin they draw a large stickman on his bicep and a star on his right palm. Jaehwan gets a crudely drawn microphone and a slew of musical notes winding around his forearms, and Daniel gets his fingers colored in with pink marker to match his hair. Minhyun gets a huge "EOMMA" across his calf and a heart on both knees. Jonghyun turns to Seongwoo and gifts him with a haphazard drawing of a monkey on his neck. Seongwoo yelps and grabs the marker from him, pushing him down onto the mattress and sitting on his chest. Jonghyun chokes on his own breath and tries to wave him off, but Seongwoo is determined. He flips up Jonghyun's fringe and draws  _something_ across, and Jonghyun is scandalised.

"It's permanent marker!" He cries out in outrage, and the rest stir from their sleep.

"You'll like it." Seongwoo says self assuredly, getting off. Jaehwan wakes with a squawk of surprise and screams, which promptly wakes Hyunbin up as he sits straight up from the mattress, simultaneously hitting his foot on the wooden frame of his own bunk and elbowing Minhyun in the face. Daniel shrieks and the chaos in the room makes Jonghyun laugh, a pure, quiet, happy sound. They freeze and turn to him, then start laughing too. For one moment, Jonghyun can forget about the face that they're in a  _survival_ show. 

Hyunbin and Seongwoo wear the singlet that day, Jaehwan the T-shirt and Minhyun wears shorts for once. They all show their marking with pride, and when they ask Jonghyun about his, Seongwoo flips his fringe up and they start laughing  _again_. He frowns, and Daniel unabashedly squishes his cheeks together. 

Jaehwan forces him to wear a cap backwards, exposing his forehead. The cameras aren't around today, and the complex is free for them to use. They walk into the cafeteria laughing and happy. His boys ignore the looks of amazement and surprise, joking around and laughing. 

It isn't until much later when Jonghyun ducks into a toilet.

And right there, right across his forehead, is a poor imitation of an Onibugi, with words next to it. He leans closer to take a look, and the words "Our Leader" is scrawled in Seongwoo's chicken scratch across his forehead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave me a comment pls I'm so thirsty for those thanks


	3. eliminate (the weak)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> should I upload shorter chapters but faster? or should I stick to longer chapters maybe like once or twice a week? this one's 3k but it took a while sorry!  
> and yO YALL GOT ME SHOOK thanks for the hits and comments!!
> 
> ++ apparently kim jonghyun is first for this week's ranking???? guys tell me if this is true I'm so emotionally unstable Jesus

Jonghyun sees Minki at dinner looking crestfallen at the sight of kimchi jiggae, a rare treat Mnet grants them. 

It hasn't escaped his notice that the boys in lower ranks get lesser food than the boys his the higher ones. When he was in D, he got a reasonable portion of rice and a few side dishes, but the jump to B gets him soup and slivers of luncheon meat and sausage. Kimchi jiggae is Minki's favorite, he remembers. 

He's torn between offering his portion between Minki and and Hyunbin, who both look equally hungry. He's not particularly hungry that night. Minki's high metabolism causes him to go through servings and portions quickly. In comparison, Jonghyun's body is somehow programmed to draw out every little bit of nutrition from the food he eats, which causes him to gain weight faster. 

Minhyun catches his eye.

 _What are you thinking?_ He asks, mouthing the words. Jonghyun shakes his head once, and remember his goal and promise.

He stands up and goes to Minki, complaining about the taste of the kimchi jiggae. 

"It's too spicy, I feel like I'm going you die." He whines and Minki stifles a smile. Jonghyun notes the untouched rice on his tray and tries again.

"Here, let's trade. Give me your rice and please help me to drink the spicy soup." Jonghyun requests and holds his breath.

Minki nods, with a small grin and takes the soup. 

Later, Jonghyun can't bear to look at Hyunbin, who leaves the cafeteria early.

 

"Ack!" 

Minhyun's yelp as he bangs himself into the wooden frame is what makes Jonghyun stir. That, and the hateful alarm blasting from the speakers of the dorm. He cracks open one eye and sits up. The alarm is  _still_ going, and he watches Daniel groan and scrub at his face. Minhyun is shoving his blanket into the corner of his mattress, and Seongwoo in the bunk diagonally across is covering his ears with his pillow. Jonghyun gets off the mattress and onto the floor, washing his face and brushing his teeth quickly to spare the others from waiting for the toilet. 

He arrives back just in time for the song "Pick Me" to play and everyone is still frozen in their beds. He avoids the camera above Daniel's bunk - he's shirtless. Hyunbin is dead to the world, so Jonghyun sits on the mattress. 

"Up!" He orders into Hyunbin's ear and the boy jumps out of bed, looking confused and stunned. Jaehwan in the bunk across is sitting up already, but starts to move when Jonghyun gives him a look.

Seongwoo refuses to get up, and Jonghyun cuts him some slack because he practiced till early morning. He pushes Jaehwan into the toilet and Minhyun's after that. The dorm moves into action, and Seongwoo sits up at the noise. Jonghyun pulls a shirt over himself and reaches into the cupboard to stuff his pockets with more bars. Minhyun pulls a black hoodie over himself, muttering at the state of the dorm. Hyunbin is still sleepy and Jonghyun knows there's no point getting him to move this early in the morning. 

"Jaehwan, change." Jonghyun reminds and the other scampers towards his locker. 

"Up, Seongwoo-ah." Jonghyun coaxes, and Seongwoo gives him a dirty look, but gets off anyway. 

When the announcement comes on, Seongwoo is already off the bed, which is a relief. Hyunbin and and Daniel share the mirror in the toilet, washing their faces viciously with soap and complaining. Jonghyun packs up Hyunbin's bunk, which looks like a mini war zone. 

"Running." Minhyun realises, and Jonghyun understands. "Go. I'll get everyone out."

Jonghyun pulls on his shoes and a cap, pushing a coat to Seongwoo, who gets it.

"Hurry up and get out of the dorm now!" Minhyun tells everyone and even Hyunbin fumbles into his shoes.

He pulls open the door and steps out first, almost tripping over the stairs in his hurry to get to the front door. Seongwoo is suddenly by his side and he smiles appreciatively at the other. A quick check behind him confirms the presence of Daniel's pink hair and Jaehwan's orange hoodie. Flinging open the door of the building, he greets the staff and then runs for his life. His greeting is echoed by Daniel and Jaehwan, and he tucks a little smile away, focusing on the wind buffeting against his face.

Somewhere behind, he hears Minhyun shout: "Start running, Hyunbin-ah!" and he laughs, the sound tearing out of his chest.

Jonghyun's affinity with running doesn't come easily, but soon enough he can see the steps of the training centre. He sprints and reaches the steps first, pushing himself two steps at a time. 

Seongwoo reaches third, which makes Jonghyun upset, but it will do. He reached first, which  _could_ give them a advantage or something. 

"Oh, I can't dance now." He groans and spills onto the ground laughing. Seongwoo looks equally winded, and Jaehwan and Daniel come to a stop near them, gasping for air.

 

Jonghyun makes sure to stick by Hyunbin until they split up for break, the other trainees eye him with a little more than suspicion, and it takes a toll on his usual friendly and cheerful personality. Hyunbin settles for a seat at the back during the aerobatics lesson, so Jonghyun moves quietly to sit beside him. 

Hyunbin doesn't say a word, but at night he climbs up to Jonghyun's bed and says: "I'm a mess, hyung."

Jonghyun finds his hand in the darkness and he squeezes it.

"You are so much more." He replies, and Hyunbin offers a half hearted twist of his lips before he goes back to his bunk.

 

The black, familiar SUV rolls up at the training centre and Jonghyun moves forward to lay claim on it. One of the managers open the door for them, and they pile their luggage into the back seats before seating themselves inside. Compared with the mild heat of spring, the interior of the car is akin to that of a freezer, and Jonghyun pulls the cuffs of his sweater over his hands. They greet the manager softly, and the person in the passenger seats turns around to greet them with a full blown smile. 

It's Aron, and as the car begins to move, Minki tosses himself out of his seat and flings his arms around Aron. 

"It was so  _hard."_ Minki rants, once he lets Aron go. "I screwed up so many times, and they  _didn't give me food."_

"I heard." Aron comments wryly, eyes drifting to Jonghyun's.

Minhyun notices the look and he blurts out: "You used your weekly calls on  _Aron?"_

"Hey!" Aron snaps back, and Jonghyun shrugs his shoulders.

"Someone needs to keep track of the public opinion." He says, and Dongho laughs at the affronted look on Minhyun's face. 

"I need to talk to you." Aron whispers over to him as Minhyun and Dongho begin bantering. Minki's appeased with a bag of peanut M&Ms, and is busy checking his SNS. Jonghyun gives a little distracted nod, leaning back in the cool leather seat and relaxing his muscles.

He feels incredibly tired, and soon his breathing slows, Aron's eyes still on his sleeping form.

 

"What is it?" Jonghyun asks Aron after a day of rest, slipping into the office labelled with "Kwak PD".

Aron fills him in on some of the scandals so far, and then passes him a tablet.

"That's the latest scandal on your pet-"

"He's not a pet." Jonghyun cuts Aron off, looking down at the title of the article.

"Kwon Hyunbin." Aron laughs a little. "It's a figure of speech, Jong. Anyway, netizens are pissed off with him on  _your_ behalf."

Jonghyun realises why Hyunbin had looked so upset. This was  _big,_ and had probably influenced his dramatic drop in ranks. He had been pale the past week, and he often stirred in his sleep. 

"I would suggest a team outing," Aron proposes. "Ally yourself with the group. They're good kids."

Jonghyun takes his advice and arranges a date with the rest in their little chat group, thanking Aron and wishing him a good night before he bunks in his own office.

"Jonghyun?" Aron says suddenly, just before the door closes. Jonghyun leans back into the room, quirking an eyebrow.

"Remember why you are there." Aron says softly, not looking at him in the eye. Jonghyun purses his lips in response. Was this an accusation?

Aron looks up, and Jonghyun knows in the moment that he is truly worried. 

"Take the center position for once, please." He pleads, and Jonghyun looks down. "Don't let the others step on you. You deserve to shine, Jonghyun."

He blinks past the startled tears that make it to his eyes. 

"Except if its Minki, Baekho or Minhyun?" He checks, feeling small. Aron fixes him with a disappointed look, and Jonghyun pulls the door shut, knowing his answer. 

 

The three days of break pass in a flurry of plans and outings and meetings. Suddenly it's time for them to pack up their belongings to head back into the dorms.

"If I go down," Minki says into the mirror of the salon. "I go down  _pretty."_

Dongho grins at him and jabs his thigh. "Yes, my Prince!" He salutes, and Minhyun laughs at the odd display. Aron leans against a marble sink, and Jonghyun musses with his hair to achieve his trademark cut.

A few hours down, Minki's hair is a beautiful blonde, bringing out the paleness of his cheeks and the elvish smirk. He comes back to the company building with pride, fishing out a contact lenses case from his pocket. 

"For the finishing touch." He grins, and Dongho snatches it from his hands, shaking it to see the colour. His jaw drops.

"Woah." He says elegantly and Minki hops into the car with a devilish smile. 

 

Later, he pops in ice blue contacts, and the effect is startling. With his hair done up to expose his narrow forehead, and his lips slathered with clear lip gloss, he could almost pass for a real prince.

"I look good." Minki proclaims with pride, the only thing betraying his (overdone) confidence the shake in his hands as he shoves the contacts case into his bag.

"Aron said we'll be okay." Dongho reads him like an open book.

"Let's talk when this is over." Minki rolls over his words with a forced cheerfulness, and Jonghyun is silent as he leads them to enter the stage.

 

"If I get a high ranking, people are going to curse at me." Hyunbin's mutter snaps Jonghyun out of his daze. He turns to look at the other boy, just as Boa says: "YG K+,"

Hyunbin's fingers twist around themselves even more, and Jonghyun sees Minhyun grab his knee in support. "Kwon Hyunbin."

Jonghyun watches Minhyun's hand come up to pat the younger as he leaves the seats. Smiling, Jonghyun looks at Hyunbin with pride until he remembers Hyunbin's revelation. His face scrunches up in thought, why would people ever  _curse_ at Hyunbin? He was generally a good kid, but-

_"That's the latest scandal on your pet-"_

The article Aron showed him had completely slipped his mind.

Hyunbin looks impossibly small and nervous on the stage, fingers clenching and unclenching rapidly on the microphone he holds with shaking hands. His apology to the "national producers" makes Jonghyun's smile waver, but Jonghyun fixes it in place. When Hyunbin starts to thank the team members, Jonghyun sees Minhyun smile shakily too. 

"Minhyun-ie hyung," Hyunbin voice wavers, and the smile drops entirely from Minhyun's tired expression. "Leader Jonghyun hyung."

Jonghyun struggles in the moment, and he smiles for Hyunbin, so the boy won't feel so alone.

 _I'm sorry, I only just noticed._ Jonghyun tries to convey in that smile, but Hyunbin's eyes glance past him and move to Daniel's. He resolves to apologise and make it up to Hyunbin.

 

They reach ranks twenty to twelve, and Jonghyun is worried about his boys. So far, none of his members have been called up, and Dongho's getting antsy. Minki's mood borders on downright pettiness, the blue contacts in his eyes making the darting around of his pupils even more obvious. Minhyun is calm, as Jonghyun is, on the exterior. 

"First, in twentieth place, with a trainee that has differentiated himself from the rest with his special character," Boa reads off the script. Jonghyun's mind goes into overdrive. It could be Dongho, with the 'sexy bandit' persona he's been granted with after the Boy In Luv performance. It could also be Minki, who is inherently  _special,_ and very different from the rest of the trainees. Maybe it was Minhyun, with his honey vocals and good looks, but Minhyun did not particularly stand out in the last few episodes. 

"Moonbok? Woojin? Seonwoo?" He mutters under his breath as Boa says something else he doesn't manage to catch. 

"With 472,132 votes,"

"Woah, that's crazy." Dongho says, and Jonghyun rocks a little back and forth on his seat.

"PLEDIS," Jonghyun starts, jumping up a little in his seat. It  _could_ be him, with the stint with Hyunbin giving him the automatic role of 'leader'. His mouth lifts in one corner at the surprised gasp and onslaught of stares, and Dongho's eyes widen. Minhyun has turned to look at him with a startled expression, something Jonghyun cannot and will not decipher. A glance at Minki shows the other frantically wetting his lips, eyebrows drawn together in concentration. Dongho's face has descended into neutrality, something he does when he's cornered. 

"Kang Dongho." She finishes, and Jonghyun relaxes, pushing Dongho out on stage. Minki's look of stress becomes more prominent, and Jonghyun runs a comforting hand down his forearm. Minki shrugs him off, and Jonghyun sighs. Minhyun is also staring at Minki, and Jonghyun looks down at his shoes. Minhyun leans forward on his forearms.

"Next, In 19th palce with 476,249 votes, PLEDIS'" Jonghyun jumps again as the cameras whip around to glare at his group. His heart starts beating frantically at once, and his hands feel clammy. Minhyun sits up so fast it's almost funny, with a calm, docile expression crossing his face. Minki has already started to grin, his smile beating off the scowl of consternation on his delicate features since shooting started.

"Choi Minki." Jonghyun watches Minki grab Dongho's hand as he passes.

 _Good._ At least there were two of them not eliminated, if Minhyun and himself didn't make it... 

He refuses to think about it, and blanks out again. 

"The trainee in 11th place was not ranked that high in the 3rd week ranking," Jonghyun licks his lips. 

"I think it's one of us." Minhyun whispers, and Jonghyun opens his mouth in realisation. 

"This trainee is also from the Sorry Sorry Team 2, gaining 680,322 votes in this week's ranking, PLEDIS'" Jonghyun doesn't bother hiding his expression. Minhyun swallows audibly next to him and it makes him want to laugh again. "Hwang Minhyun."

 _Of course._ Jonghyun's eyes shift and he smiles at Minhyun, who makes his way to the stage. Boa makes some irrelevant commentary about Minhyun's fans, and all Jonghyun can think is:  _What if I don't make it?_

Without him, there would be no one to guide the cameras to fix on his boys, to feed Minki when he was hungry and rapidly losing weight, to offer some solace to Minhyun whenever he missed home and the studio, to pat Dongho's hair when he was upset with practice-

"To the Sorry Sorry Team 2 whom I have made many good memories with, thank you." Minhyun says, and Jonghyun's cheeks rise.

"He's cool." Jonghyun says, grinning at the trainees who turn around to stare at him. He's the only one left now. The remaining positions pass by in a blur of false hopes and worries, until-

"In eight place, with 750 thousand votes," Jonghyun can't see Minhyun from here, and it makes him worried. Craning his neck, he tries to catch a glimpse of the other's expression, but he still can't see it. So he's completely stunned and surprised when Boa finishes with "Kim Jonghyun."

His body reacts before his mind does, and a sheepish smile appears on his face, his legs pushing him to stand and move automatically to the right. He grabs someone's hand, and his thoughts finally catch up to his head.  _Eight place?_

Before long, he has the microphone in his hand and looks up at the screen just to check if he heard correctly. He blinks, composing himself. 

"Uh," He says not very eloquently. "The amount of support and trust placed in me by the viewers has made me very happy. In the future, I will work hard and do my best. Thank you."

He bows a ninety-degree bow, and the whispers from the crowd cease as someone, he can't really tell from the bright lights here, waves at him. It might be Daniel, but he's not sure.

"Jonghyun, can you spare a few words for Hyunbin?" Boa asks him, and he grabs the chance to make it up to the younger. He pauses, for a moment, letting the thought flit in his mind before he decides on an appropriate response.

"Truthfully, in the past, I was worse than Hyunbin and I had a lot of thoughts." Jonghyun hedges.  _Negative thoughts too, Hyunbin._

"Hyunbin really listened well to me and followed the rest of us well. He put in a lot of effort and it certainly shows. I'm really grateful for him." Jonghyun continues, and gives in to the temptation to look back. He does, and Hyunbin's smile is back on his face. 

"Don't sleep." The jab comes out of Jonghyun's mouth faster than his brain works, and Jonghyun watches Hyunbin grin and nod. "Do well in the future. I hope that we  _will-"_

Hyunbin nods even more, and the message is clear.  _It's okay, hyung._

"Let's make it into the top eleven together." Jonghyun cuts himself off, relieved. "I think it would be really great if we could debut together.

Jonghyun is dismissed from the stage and he runs up the stairs, hesitating before he sits. Minhyun is smiling so proudly at him it's infectious, and Jonghyun's grin softens. His best friend gives him a nod.

_We'll make it. There's hope for us yet._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yall know the drill  
> comment to make me happy !!
> 
> (13/05) A/N: I'm trying to do episode six but it's so difficult bc my Korean is barely passable help :-( also expect some NU'EST & JL next chapter, I'm bring Seongwoo into Jonghyun's Inner Circle


	4. trust me (if you can)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fancams just came out and i am so satisfied jeSUS
> 
> remember to stream the videos on naver tv too guys 
> 
> btw comment below if yall want a minhyunbin side piece heh i'm feeling inspired

Later, much  _much_ later, Jonghyun goes for a walk on the grounds.

It's nearly midnight, and he jogs for a bit, allowing himself to just  _be._ Flopping onto the grass, he ignores the possibility of a rash and waits.

It's a while before Seongwoo joins him on the ground.

"Hey." Seongwoo greets, and Jonghyun nods. "What are you doing here?"

"Someone asked me to be here tonight." Jonghyun answers, and Seongwoo huffs, a little breath of smoke in the cold midnight air.

"Why did you come on Produce 101?" He draws out the question. "Did you come for yourself, or for Minhyun, Dongho and Minki?"

"I don't know." Jonghyun says, then frowns, tilting his head. "I never really thought about it. I just throught that I loved them, and I wanted them to do well. I love NU'EST, everything and anything about it."

"Jonghyun-ah," Jonghyun hums. "What if Dongho and Minki and Minhyun don't make it?"

"Why would you say that?" Jonghyun is on instant high alert. Had he missed out on something?

"Don't overthink it. Just answer: would you want to be the 1st?"

Jonghyun furrows his eyebrows.

Even without his boys, there was Hyunbin to think about. There was Daniel, Jaehwan, Seongwoo himself and even Samuel, the boy he once knew. There were so many factors and so many possibilites.

"I don't know." Jonghyun says in wonder. "I don't know how."

Seongwoo goes silent at that.

"Oh Jonghyun-ie." Is what he says at last, voice filled with pity, and Jonghyun exhales past tired lips, letting Seongwoo hug him.

 

Jonghyun heads into the booth, eyeing the choices laid out for him to take.

Vocal was definitely out of the question. His voice was too low and raspy, and the only thing he called close to singing had been dismissed by the company too many times. He deliberates over Dance and Rap, but his eyes land on Mino's 'FEAR', and he knows he has to take it. The other trainees are so skilled at dance he would be outshined if he chose it anyway. At least with rap, he could rap about Nu'est.

With unsure hands, he picks up the placard and ducks into the other side. No one else has picked Rap yet, with Seongwoo and Daniel together in the "Get Ugly" Dance team. They grin at him, and at each other. Jonghyun knows they must have planned it in that moment. He trods over to his spot, gnawing on his lip. The people joining his team would either make or break him.

Guanlin joins him a short moment later, and Jonghyun smiles at him. 

Dongho affectionately dubs the boy as a "unpolished diamond", and Jonghyun clearly sees it in the gangly, shy younger.

"He's so  _raw."_ Dongho enthuses, and Jonghyun mentioned at him to continue. "He has so much potential in him, God, you have to be in the same team as him. You'll help him so much."

Jonghyun had clenched his teeth and rolled his eyes then, not wanting to have someone else to care for, but Guanlin's soft brown eyes and timid smile reminds him too much of himself. So he lets Guanlin look at him with admiration and he talks to him gently about Korean culture. 

Minhyun is next, and the boy bounces off happily to the "Downpour" team. Jonghyun knows he will do well, his trademark falsetto and vocal colour suiting the song perfectly.

Moonbok joins his team, and Jonghyun tries to hide his wince. 

They're the same age, but Moonbok's vocal colour leaves Jonghyun with a nasty impression. Nonetheless, the other was known to be kind to others. Jonghyun reserves his judgement.

Jaehwan walks in quickly, joining Minhyun. Jonghyun watches in barely concealed envy as they hug each other in celebration. He hopes Hyunbin will join him, but at the same time doesn't have a good feeling.

Minki and Dongho end up together, and Jonghyun frowns at the open animosity on Dongho's face as he looks at Daehwi. Minki shares a knowing nod with Jonghyun, and he relaxes knowing that he will keep Dongho's temper in check.

His suspicions about Hyunbin is proven true as he watches the boy tease them all, finally joining the "Downpour" queue. Minhyun whoops in delight, pulling the younger and Jaehwan into another hug. Jonghyun sighs through his nose. He's alone now.

He doesn't particularly  _like_ to be alone. Then Guanlin touches his shoulder, sensing his gloomy mood. The younger asks him about rapping techniques, and Jonghyun welcomes the distraction.

Taemin joins the group last, and Jonghyun remembers him as the timid, wary trainee that flailed in his seat during the dance battle. He would have to handle this one with easy, gentle hands.

After the main recording, Jonghyun and the team makes their way to a little corner. He's automatically selected as leader, and he asks for a volunteer for center before they decide on Guanlin.

Jonghyun calls out on Moonbok's hestitant behaviour, and decides to let him have a few more parts. He knows Taemin is an okay rapper, not the best, but skilled enough to hold his own in a peformance. Guanlin would need help, of course, but at least he is not low on enthusiasm.

Jonghyun watches him write his lyrics in Hangul, and is reminded of Jason. He shakes away the thought and returns to biting his pen. 

 _Let's write lyrics from the heart._  Guanlin had suggested, and Jonghyun had agreed, but now...

What was the fear in his heart?

He gets his answer immediately, and realises he's been ignoring the obvious.

 

Kahi drops in to check on them, and Jonghyun nods to her in politeness. She ignores his behavior, listening to Guanlin rap.

"It's good." She says, and Guanlin beams under the praise. Later, she tells him to learn the pen trick, and Guanlin begins walking around with a pen in his mouth. Dongho croons over the boy, and Jonghyun laughs at them as he turns away. It's no secret that the entirety of NU'EST (even Aron, who praised the boy in his last phone call) adored Guanlin. He probably reminded them too much of Jason. Minki develops a habit of covering the boy with blankets or jackets whenver he sleeps in the practice studio, and Minhyun takes Jonghyun aside to do what the other trainees call "producing".

"He's really..." Minhyun can't find the word, but continues anyway. "It's like looking into a piece of shattered sea glass, and knowing how beautiful it looks when polished."

"Ever the poetic one." Jonghyun quips, and he dodges the elbow flung at him just in time.

He fixes Guanlin's pen in the studio. 

"Guanlin-ah." He chuckles, drawing his eyes away from his lyrics. "You have to shove it more into your mouth. It'll help with your pronounciation."

He demonstrates, and the speed at which Guanlin and Taemin copies the action brings a glow to his face.

Taemin is doing well, and his lyrics strike a chord within Jonghyun's chest. He hasn't thought of his mother at all, pushing Aron's news to the back of his mind. He honestly doesn't need  _another_ panic attack coming along when the performance is coming along in five days.

Moonbok's voice still makes Jonghyun tense up. It fails to match with the rest, and Jonghyun gives up after numerous tries to coax a rasp from the long haired boy.

"I'm sorry." Moonbok says softly and Jonghyun shakes his head vehemently.

"You don't have to be sorry for who you are." He says, a little bit more violently than he intended. "It's okay, Moonbok. Your voice will inject some emotion into the song."

With his own lyrics, he consults with Cheetah a little too much for his own liking, but this topic is so close to his heart he doesn't feel  _ready_ without some advice. Cheetah openly cries when he first presents it, and wraps him up in a slightly inappropriate hug. It isn't the angle he was going for, but he takes it.

When Boa pops in, he is ready.

 

His lyrics make the trainees cry too.

It's strange how his story and his fears seem to bring tears to the eyes of everyone who hears it. Minki sobs so hard he had to be sent to the sick bay, and Jonghyun runs after him in worry, only to be reminded that his team's evaluation isn't over. Once it is, he stampedes down the stairs two at a time to see him.

"Jonghyun-ie." Minki is calm when he sees him, and Jonghyun's hands come to cup around Minki's face in worry. "You are going to win this battle. Do you hear me?"

Jonghyun shakes his head, laughing a little at the thought of him  _winning._

Minki slaps his hands away and grabs his wrist.

"You're telling our story to the world." Minki says harshly, his dialect sneaking in. He's so worked up it takes Jonghyun a moment to realise Minki has changed too. "You  _will win first place."_

Jonghyun doesn't make him a promise to win, but promises, for the first time in his life, to try to win for himself.

 

Standing on the stage, he calms himself and appeals to the "nation's producers" on behalf of the group. Their sofa is dragged out on stage and Jonghyun perches on the arm rest. He's so nervous he can hear his own heart beat thudding, and the only time he was this afraid on stage was during his debut.

"Hyung." 

Jonghyun's head snaps up, and he meets Guanlin's soft eyed gaze.

"We can do this." Guanlin says simply, and Jonghyun smiles back at him, squeezing his hand.

"Three!" The director shouts. "Two! One!"

The first key hits, and Guanlin begins. Jonghyun monitors him absently, trying not to forget his lyrics. He lolls his head in time to the beat, and then suddenly Guanlin is done and it's his turn.

Without hestitation, he throws himself into the music. He places all the hurt, fustration, hate and anger he felt for the past eight years into the performance, and his voice wavers slightly before he gets it back on track.

A glance at the crowd makes his eyes connect instantly with Aron's, who he recognises even under the mask. He covers his eyes with his hands, not wanting to see the pain.

He seees people in the crowd crying, and the boards with the Onibugi slogans dip below the heads of the crowd. His fans are  _crying._  

He blinks furiously, and the short 25 seconds drag out for minutes as he sees one of his old fansites break down. 

He feels so  _sorry_ in that moment, and throws a half hearted wink.

It ends on a solemn note, and Jonghyun holds back his own tears.

 

"I," Jonghyun whispers, hating how weak he sounds.  "I'm sorry for the mistake, guys."

"It's okay, hyung." Guanlin smiles a little at him, and Jonghyun is reminded  _again_ of how much he seems of himself in the younger. 

They troop into the results room together, and Jonghyun swallows unsuccessfully at the lump in his throat. Tears prick at his eyes at how utterly  _useless_ he is. He had criticised Minki for forgetting the lyrics. He did worse, he  _said the wrong ones._

If he hadn't made that mistake, perhaps the crowd's expressions would have been better.

He blinks furiously, dipping his head and pressing the pads of his fingers to the corners of his eyes. 

Taemin is the first to turn to him and Jonghyun feels the weight of his concerned gaze. Guanlin and Moonbok look over, and he just can't bear to face them.

"It's okay, you did well." Moonbok says, but Jonghyun can barely breathe under the weight of his failure.

The results appear painfully slowly, and only Guanlin and himself are fighting for the 1st place. He resists the urge to slap his own face, his heart thudding painfully quick in his chest.

He comes out first, and Jonghyun lets out a small whimper. Moonbok is out of his seat before anyone can stop him to take reaction shots. Jonghyun feels a set of arms wrapped around him, but he feels so  _upset._

A choked sound falls from his lips, and Taemin is comforting him too, but all he can hear is the sound of rushing water in his ears. He dips his head down lower, running his fingers down the back of his head and neck. 

"I'm sorry." Jonghyun says, rubbing the heels of his palms into his eyes. "I'm so sorry."

He repeats those words over and over, until Guanlin, bless the boy, calls over Daniel and Seongwoo who are waiting outside.

"Jonghyun-ie/ Hyung!" They cry, and they hold him together, just like the last time. Jonghyun lets himself shake in their arms, sensing rather than feeling their hands running down his back.

Eventually, he's calm enough to finish recording, but barely. He stutters his way through the interview with bloodshot eyes, then is hauled manually through the doorways and corridors to the main waiting area. His disheveled state sends the other trainees in the waiting room into a frenzy, and he is enveloped again by people. Tensing up, he pushes away from them, but relaxes in the hold of someone he  _knows_ so intimately and fondly like they're a part of his soul.

It's Dongho, and his warning glance disperses the trainees. Jonghyun lets himself be pulled along again to the toilets, and Dongho lifts him easily onto the marble countertop.

"I'm proud of you, Kim Jonghyun." Minki says gravely, and Jonghyun starts crying again. Minki runs a comforting hand down his back, and Jonghyun quietens to whispers.

It takes a long time for him to calm down and reevaluate what happened. In the meantime, Minhyun returns from his performance and nearly breaks the door of the toilet trying to get to him. The sight makes Jonghyun giggle, and Minhyun's eyes soften at the state of his best friend. 

"You deserve it, Jonghyun." Minhyun says, before he is pulled out by the staff to do his recording. As he leaves, Jonghyun spots the impossibly tall red hair that marks out Hyunbin, but he is so tired he can't stand without help.

"Come on, Jonghyun-ah." Dongho says gently, helping him off the sink and sponging at his face gently with tissues. Minki winds a skinny arm around his waist and they hobble back to the waiting room. Little Woojin passes him a hot tea and he smiles in thanks, letting the boy perch next to him on the cupboard. Dongho and Minki give him space, and later a repeat of the Minhyun incident happens, with Jaehwan clumsily knocking over the trash can to comfort him with a hug.

"Hyung, I cried too." Hyunbin says sadly and Jonghyun wilts, drawing the younger into a hug. Jaehwan openly laughs at them to cheer them up, and Seongwoo, Daniel and Minhyun arrive just in time for a group hug.

"What the heck, why is everyone crying?" Daniel asks, his eyes shining.

Seongwoo smiles, a tear slipping down his cheek as he turns to Jonghyun. And in the very moment, Jonghyun knows, deep in his heart, that he's found another part of his soul.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again comment if you like it / if you want a minhyunbin fic yay


	5. the choices we make

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ngl cried like a baby during episode eight and i was so tired bc i stayed up to stream it!! i'm grieving over the fact hwanwoong and eunki didn't make it like fghdgunfdah  
> episode eight was a great episode so I took my time writing it bc I wanted to relay the rollercoaster ride of emotions I felt during the show
> 
> also this is completely out of time so i'll post the non-elimination part of the episode first, then reorder the chapters and post the elimination one after. i know i said i wouldn't do this, but Jesus i can't take it lol sorry

"Where are we going, noona?" Jonghyun asks one of the staff as she passes. Her lanyard is thrown over one shoulder, the cord looking like it's choking her. She looks frazzled, but she gives him a smile.

"Concept song battle." She says cryptically, and one of the flyers in her arms slip off. Jonghyun picks it up and thanks her. 

"So?" Minhyun asks him as he returns.

"Concept." Jonghyun says simply, furrowing his eyebrows in thought. He  _had_ heard the songs already, of course, and Aron had suggested that he keep his thoughts about any particular song to himself. 

"Ah." Minhyun nods in acknowledgement, and Hyunbin pads over with a big smile on his face.

"Dongho-hyung says I'm cute." Hyunbin is springing a bit on his feet, and Minhyun laughs at the delighted expression on his face. Jonghyun can see Dongho from here, who shoots him a cheeky smile and a wink.

"Hey, Guanlin-ah." He says, keeping his gaze on Dongho.  _"I_ think that  _you_ can get 1st this week."

Jonghyun might have been saying that to spite Dongho, but then again, he was quite sure that Guanlin was a strong contender for first place this week. Dongho bellows a laugh, and the surrounding trainees collapse into infectious giggles. 

"You jealous, hyung?" Hyunbin asks, flipping his hair back and biting his lip in what Jonghyun supposes is a seductive gesture. "I'm irresistible."

"I grew up with Choi Minki." Jonghyun deadpans. "I'm immune."

Minki turns with a startled yelp, but before he can bite back, Justin has already caught hold of his arm, pulling him away. Jonghyun pulls the hem of his shirt, waiting for the doors of the auditorium to open. His nametag says a large '1', and he tries to cover it with his arm. 

"Let's go." Jaehwan tugs his sleeve, and they troop in, finding their seats easily. 

Boa comes out soon enough, and she greets them all to a warm welcome.

"Jonghyun, how do you feel after getting first place?" She asks, eyes sparkling at him. He gives a bashful little smile, looking down at his feet before he answers.

"I really like it." He admits, and hears a chuckle. She calls out Jihoon next, and Jonghyun's cheeks remain high, creeping into a small pleased grin. Boa announces the system of the new elimination battle, and Jonghyun gives the appropriate reactions, knowing that the camera would be on him. A glance down reminds him once again of his position, and he frowns, knowing he doesn't deserve it. Jaehwan slaps his thigh once in warning, and he looks up into his friend's eyes.

"I can hear you thinking, stop it." Jaehwan jokes, and he gives a wan smile. The screen plays a video showing the songs they will be using for the evaluation. The first song, 'I Know You Know' is groovy, but Jonghyun knows it's not his style. Taehyun seems to enjoy the cheography, and he repeats the ending move endlessly. 'Oh Little Girl' makes him think of Minki and Minhyun immediately, the high key of the chorus reminding him of their naturally higher voices. "Show Time" is perhaps more suited to what Jonghyun likes, and he smiles, bopping his head to the beat. The restrained notes in the chorus makes him think about Dongho, while the dancing style reminds him of Daniel. Devine Channel is next, and Jonghyun looks over to Dongho, who is a fan. The other is openly grinning, having favored the producing team's strong sound and unique mixes. As expected, the song suits Dongho the most, even more than 'Show Time'. Jonghyun's mouth drops open at the appearance of Triple H, and Guanlin shoots into the air at the front, punching a fist up. When Hui says "Deep House", Jonghyun's eyebrows raise too. 

He was personally fine with all the four songs shown, but none had particularly stood out to him. If forced to, he could do either, but the genre of music he generally enjoyed had yet to make a scene. Until now. 

Jonghyun likes the song. It's has a little element of electro, with just the right hint of beat and melody to keep the song trendy. Clapping once it's over, Jonghyun reviews his options, and prays his fans get him the song he wants.

Once he's handed his card, he heads to the studio assigned to him, heart beating in his chest. As he turns the doorknob, he can only hope someone he knows well sits inside.

The door swings open, and he catches a glimpse of Jaehwan's anticipating expression. 

"Oh thank God." Jonghyun mutters to himself before greeting Jaehwan with an enthusiastic grin and a hug. Guanlin comes in next, bounding over to claim the spot beside him. 

The rest come in, and Jonghyun notes with slight panic at their high ranks. Jonghyun recognises the surprise and horror in Seongwoon eyes as he observes their rankings. It's understandable, honestly. Last place in the group goes to Minhyun, and Jonghyun grins widely at his best friend. They discuss the songs they want, and 'NEVER' comes out first. Jonghyun makes sure to clarify that the other songs are great too, he doesn't need the editing team implicating him in something. Minhyun goes to rip the sign off since he's sitting the closest to it, and the room erupts in a series of worried groans.

It's 'NEVER', and Jonghyun exhales in relief. The staff pass him the pack of pink shirts, and he's selected automatically as leader, the shirt he holds already has a 'L' sticker attached. The group pull on their shirt quickly, facing away from the cameras. He somehow migrates across the room, gravitating towards Minhyun.

"It feels good wearing a pink shirt." Someone whispers. "Feels like I'm in A."

"Wow, I'm really wearing a pink shirt like you, Seongwoon-hyung." Jonghyun laughs, testing the waters for his reaction. The other laughs, and Jonghyun relaxes at the lack of malice in his tone as he comebacks with a "I'm more jealous of your first place position!"

He calls for a centre, and more than half the group raises their hands. Seongwoon raises his first, and Guanlin, Seonho, Yongmin and Daehwi follow after. Encouraged by the response, Seongwoo and Minhyun raise their hands too. Jonghyun suggests for the group to try the killing part, and everyone's game enough to try. Despite trying  _not_ to be biased, he chooses Minhyun and Guanlin. Ignoring the risk of being accused of being biased, he tells the group his opinion, knowing the influence a leader holds over the group. True enough, the centres selected are Minhyun and Guanlin, and he makes sure not to look at the both of them until the end of the recording.

Seongwoon is visibly disappointed, and it's as clear as day. Guanlin looks guilty, avoiding Seongwoon's gaze. Resolving to check with and cheer him on later, Jonghyun moves on to starting practice with everyone. They are all good dancers, and Jonghyun instructs those who learn the dance first to help everyone else. Woojin is the fastest, and he goes to help Daehwi. Youngmin is next, going to check on Haknyeon.

Seongwoo, Jaehwan, Minhyun and himself practice together, silent except for the pants. They are used to this, and Jonghyun is relieved that they don't need much help aside from the detailing of each move. 

The check with the trainers come fast enough, and Jonghyun makes sure to tell Minhyun and Seongwoo not to volunteer themselves first to try the dance. Seongwoon needs more screentime as it is; he's the lowest ranking member in their team. Youngmin seems to understand his train of thought, which is a relief.

"Who wants to dance first?" The question is met with stilted silence, and Jonghyun looks determinedly on the floor. The seconds tick by, and a quick glance meets the eyes of Woojin, a question in his eyes.

Jonghyun lets his eyes slip meaningfully to Seongwoon, who looks like he's in deep thought. Woojin nods, and puts a hand on Haknyeon's wrist when it looks like it's going to rise. Seongwoon needs a bit more prodding, so Jonghyun nudges his elbow with his own. Awarded with a surprised glance, Jonghyun jerks his chin out, and Seongwoon raises his hand slowly. He is given the 'OK' sign, and he moves to the centre of the room. 

"Why are you like this?" The trainer asks with furrowed eyebrows, and Jonghyun looks down, disinterested. He talks for a bit more, and Jonghyun remains silent, as do the rest. 

Seongwoon does well, hitting each move with precision. 

"I'll speak frankly." The trainer continues, after a brief pause when Seongwoon finishes. Jonghyun rolls his neck, and Minhyun looks over briefly. "Seongwoon is 100% correct."

Woojin goes next, and Jonghyun goes last, taking note of the pointers they are advised with. He needs to improve a little bit more on the fluidity in the dance break, but he knows it's the crick in his neck that's stopping him from doing well. During the debrief, they are berated for their complacent attitude, but Jonghyun takes it in stride. Although the situation had been read differently, he knows the importance of a good attitude. Six long years had taught him that.

After class, Trainer Kwon calls for him to stay back, and he braces himself for the lecture he is about to receive. Instead, the man claps his shoulder and looks seriously into his eyes.

"That was smart." Trainer Kwon says softly, and Jonghyun puts a hand on his chest, covering the microphone attached to his shirt. "I can't figure you out, but I'm sure you will do well."

"Thank you for your advice, Trainer Kwon." Jonghyun releases his grip, and he bows sharply with a wry smile on his lips. "I will improve my dancing and show you a better side of my lacking self."

Trainer Kwon smirks at him, even as he turns away, and he claims the small victory for himself.

 

Late at night, the staff pass him packets of vitamin-enriched jelly. He blinks down at the surprisingly touching gesture and thanks them before heading into the studio to pass it to the rest.

"I have good stuff!" He cheers, and is immediately surrounded by a group of hungry boys. 

"It's good for your body." He says, passing it out. Seonho rips it open and slurps it up quickly, and Jonghyun chuckles at the hungry kid. He walks over to Seongwoon, passing a packet to him and smiling tentatively.

"Eat it and stay strong, hyung." He says, patting the other's shoulder. Seongwoon looks appeased, and Jonghyun moves off with Minhyun to settle on the floor. When everyone is done, Jaehwan picks up the dustbin in the corner, passing it around so they can discard their wrappers. Jonghyun stands, and the rest follow. He encourages them to the best of his ability before grabbing his stuff and walking back to the dorms.

Minhyun catches up to him mid-step, hooking an arm around his shoulder.

"Need more pain relief patches?" Minhyun asks softly as they walk quickly. 

"Mm." Jonghyun says, trying to crack his neck. 

After he showers, he finds Minhyun on his bed, hair wet. 

"Get up here." Minhyun orders, and Jonghyun climbs up the steps. Fingers dig into the muscle at his shoulders and he relaxes, letting out a whimper when Minhyun rubs his neck. 10 minutes later, he's satiated and sleepy. Minhyun rolls the pain relief patch across his neck in one swift, cool motion, supporting him as he leans him backward onto the pillow. The pillow is already covered with a face towel to prevent it from being soaked with the water in Jonghyun's hair. 

"Thanks." Jonghyun says, blinking languidly.

"Anytime." Minhyun replies, making to move off the bed. Jonghyun catches his wrist before he goes. 

"Stay?" Jonghyun asks, and Minhyun shakes his head. 

"Need to practice." He discloses.

"Okay." Jonghyun lets him go. "Sleep soon, though."

"Sure." Minhyun says easily, flipping off the light. "You too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nearly 2k!! rushed this out in a day bc i was so emotional omg completely ignored my homework oops but hope yall enjoy it!! for some reason I don't get as many comments when I post on weekends so here's my thirsty self begging for comments once again. ILYALL !!
> 
> next update will be up soon bc I'm tired af. maybe wednesday?? I think that's a good pacing


	6. night out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lol this one is inspired by that selca (w/o jaehwan but oh well)

Daniel kisses Seongwoo's cheek as the boy enters the studio and everyone freezes, watching his reaction.

The boy blushes firetruck red and Daniel lets out a squeal of laughter. Seongwoo growls and tackles the younger, both of them sprawling onto the floor in a mess of tangled limbs and shouts. 

"Christ," Jaehwan rolls his eyes at the sight and shakes his head fondly. "You'll think they belong in a zoo."

"Tickle fight!" Hyunbin cheers and Jonghyun smiles at the thought of their youngest getting his spirit back. Then he flails off his chair as he is slammed into the mirror by a red haired giant.

"Hey!" Jonghyun laughs, yanking himself away from Hyunbin's bony fingers. "Hyun- Hyunbin-ah!"

"This looks fun." Minhyun's voice comes from the doorway, where he looks down bemusedly at the mess in the room.

"Min-ie." Jonghyun chokes out between breaths of laughter and exertion. "Help-"

"I don't think so." Minhyun's eyes glint, and he squats next to Hyunbin, helping to keep Jonghyun still. Seongwoo loses interest in Daniel's convulsing body and comes to laugh at him.

"I hate.. you all." Jonghyun says feebly once they let him go, curling into himself.

"Nah, hyung." He leans into Daniel's touch on his forehead anyway. "You love us."

 

"Jonghyun-ie hyung?" Daniel calls to him in the middle of practice, popping his head into the tiny studio space Jonghyun was able to find. 

"Yeah?" Jonghyun pulls out one of his earbuds, turning to glance over at the boy.

"Can we go out?" Daniel asks earnestly and Jonghyun chokes.

_"What?"_

"With the team." Daniel clarifies quickly with a laugh.

"Sure." Jonghyun shrugs his shoulders and lets Daniel pester him out of the studio to find the rest. They round up in a spare studio to discuss what to do, and Jonghyun finds it endearing when they all turn to him for advice on what to do.

"Arcade?" He asks, and they whoop in delight. He grins a little gummy smile and watches them get pumped up about the trip. They will be released for break soon until the 20th, where they will film the second elimination. No one has discussed about it yet, and he's grateful.

 

"Jonghyun-ah, I can't make it tonight, sorry!" Jaehwan's voice is tiny from the phone and Jonghyun sets him on speaker before continuing his weight training.

"Huh?" Jonghyun is disappointed, and it clearly shows.

"Some of my old friends came down from my hometown as a surprise." Jaehwan says apologetically and Jonghyun sighs.

"Okay, I get it." He says. "You have to tell the rest though."

"I already did." Jaehwan replies. "Got screamed at for half an hour by Hyunbin-ie. Kid's lost his manners."

Jonghyun laughs. That  _does_ sound like Hyunbin alright.

"Enjoy your time with your friends, Jaehwan-ah." Jonghyun tries to even his breathing.

"Okay. By the way, this week's episode comes out tonight." Jaehwan reminds, and Jonghyun nods before he realises the other can't see him.

 

"Ready to go?" Minhyun comes to check on him thirty minutes before they are supposed to meet, and Jonghyun looks up distractedly. The tall boy is dressed in his favourite leather jacket, and comes in to lounge comfortably on his couch. 

"Uh." Jonghyun says, eyes flitting between him and the computer screen.

"It's okay, I get it." Minhyun answers, letting out a small chuckle. "I'll get some sleep. Set an alarm."

"Thanks, Minhyun." Jonghyun says in relief, turning back to monitor his tiny troops as they move across the screen. He taps out an alarm and continues playing, his eyes fixated on the screen.

The alarm goes off, and Minhyun jumps off the couch with his built in reflex kicking in.

"What?" He asks Jonghyun, when the other doubles over to laugh. "Get changed, you lazy ass."

 

They meet the rest of the boys at a fried chicken place for a late dinner. The boys polish off four buckets of mixed soy and fried chicken before speaking, and Daniel digs out a map, his fingers leaving oily prints. Minhyun shakes his head and passes him a tissue. Daniel wipes it over his mouth and fingers, pointing to the Hongdae map.

"Okay, so apparently there's a new arcade right here." He reports. "It's very  _very_ big so I think we can play there for a while, then go to a convenience store to watch the latest episode and have supper."

"Call." Hyunbin says, mouth filled with food.

"Swallow." Jonghyun and Seongwoo remind him automatically, then turn to look at each other with surprised looks. Minhyun laughs at them and takes a long swig of coke. They finish up quickly enough and swagger out of the booth, forcing Hyunbin to pay  _("Because you're the maknae, duh.")_ and walking to the nearest bus stop.

It's almost eight in the evening and Jonghyun hops on both feet, feeling the cold wind bite his cheeks. Minhyun passes him a black face mask, and Jonghyun faintly recalls it being left on his table.

''Knew you would forget." Minhyun says exasperatedly, turning away to fend off Daniel, who winds his arms around him.  _("For body heat, hyung.")_

The bus comes and they all pile on, moving to the back so all five of them can seat together. It seems that no one on the bus can recognise them without makeup, but Jonghyun's eyes catch a teenage schoolgirl's, who widen with recognition. He puts his finger to his lips, and she smiles at him, throwing him a thumbs up. The ride passes uneventfully, and Seongwoo is pulled into the arcade by Hyunbin, who is twitching with excitement. Daniel links arms with MInhyun, Jonghyun following a step behind.

They fail hopelessly at picking a soft toy from the box until Jonghyun tries. He manages to get the Wartotle perched precariously at the corner, and the boys whoop with laughter at the irony.

"This one's for Jaehwan-ie hyung." Hyunbin decrees and no one goes against him when he takes a picture of it and sends it to the group chat.

Jaehwan replies soon enough with a "LOL" and they smile.

"Hyung, can you get more?" Daniel asks, pleading with his eyes, and Jonghyun huffs as he feeds the machines with more coins.

They emerge victorious, each of them holding a variation of Wartotle. Hyunbin gets the Squirtle  _("because you're still a baby, Hyunbin-ah.")_ , MInhyun and Daniel get matching pink shelled ones, and Seongwoo gets a bright yellow shelled one. Jonghyun tries to leave without getting one for himself, and Hyunbin scowls, yanking him back.

"We need to  _match,_ hyung." He whines, and Jonghyun reluctantly feeds the machine another handful of coins to get a tiny keychain. He hooks it onto his belt hoop and manages to usher them to another booth before he gets robbed of all his money.

Daniel shows his progress at the shooting game, and they tout off more prizes, forgoing snacks for more stuffed toys. Daniel gets Hyunbin an octopus hat and the boy wears it for the entirety of the trip, ignoring the glances of bewilderment thrown at him from the crowd. Minhyun sponsors them with money, and Seongwoo fails a record of thirteen times at PacMan, cursing all the way.

Hyunbin, as expected, does well in shooting hoops. When he leans, he extends across the booth to the hoop and positively  _drops_ the basketballs in. They leave the booth owner looking very put out with matching headbands, Daniel throwing one in his bag for Jaehwan. The night passes in a blur of neon lights, the smell of fresh popcorn and laughter before they stumble out of the arcade pleased and satiated with their winnings.

"Just in time." Seongwoo says as they board the bus back to the main street. It's close to eleven already, and they pop in to a convenience store to get fishcakes and soup to fight off the cold. The television is switched on to Mnet's channel and they look on as they eat. While they watch, they buy more snacks like Pocky and attempt the Pocky game. Jonghyun rolls his eyes in a suprisingly well done imitation of Jaewhan's general dissatisfaction at the group, and they burst out laughing when Minhyun chokes on his water (which Jonghyun spiked with salt, but no one needs to know).

The hour passes, and soon they reach the rankings. The mood turns somber, and Jonghyun looks out for  _his_ people. 

Hyunbin ranks dangerously at 33rd place, and Jonghyun feels an urge to hit something as he looks at the downcast expression on his face. Minki ranks 18th, an improvement from last week, but Samuel drops to 17th, a surprising change. Jonghyun winces for the boy and shakes his head in disappointment. Dongho ranks at 8th place, and Jonghyun grins in relief and astonishment. Seems that the "Sexy Bandit" image  _had_ done him some good after all. Jaehwan and Seongwoo rank closely next to each other, while Minhyun ranks 4th. Jonghyun's best friend nearly flips the table in his excitement and everyone congratulates him before turning to focus on the screen. 

Jonghyun's name fails to appear until the second place, and he's worried. 

"My name isn't out yet." Daniel says, frowning.

"Me too." Jonghyun chimes in, and they look intently at the screen.

Second place goes to Daniel, which means...

This time, Minhyun  _does_ flip the table, and Jonghyun stares in disbelief at the crown adorning his name at first place.  _First place._

"What the heck?' He asks, and Hyunbin scrambles to pick up the fallen wrappers and sweets on the floor.

"Oh my  _God_ , hyung!" Daniel cheers and wraps him in a hug. He continues blinking at the screen even as the programme switches to commercials.

"I'm happy for you, Jonghyun-ah." Seongwoo says, smiling at him. Jonghyun blathers out a few words, not able to piece his ideas and thought together.

They envelop him in a huge family hug, and he lets out a choked laugh.

"First place." He says coherently. "Me."

"Yes," Minhyun is so delighted his smile nearly splits his face in half. "You're in first place, Jonghyun-ie."

The taller leans down to press a kiss to Jonghyun's cheek and Hyunbin lifts him off the floor in amazement. 

"Good job, hyung." Hyunbin giggles, eyes curved up in smiles. "Now everyone knows how special you are."

"First place." Jonghyun says again and Seongwoo huffs a little irritated breath.

"Yes, want me to shout it out for you?" He asks, and before anyone can stops him, he opens the door of the store and shouts into the streets: _**"Kim Jonghyun is first place!"**_

Jonghyun slaps his back, pulling him back into the store. He looks up at the television screen again, and then around at his friends.

"First place." Jonghyun tells himself softly, a smile blooming across his cheeks.  _"Me."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...i'm feeling light and fluffy today
> 
> leave me comments to make me happy (& speedy)


	7. eliminate (the weak) pt.2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let's all be honest: we didn't want this to happen

"I'm going down to Kangwon-do next Friday to see the latest episode with your mother. It's the elimination episode right?" 

"I don't appreciate being  _cornered,_ Aron."

"It's time to make up." Aron's voice is grounded in finality. "You're debuting soon, and you don't need this baggage surrounding you."

"Aron-"

"She's your  _mother,_ Jonghyun." Aron snaps. "I'm not justifying what she did, or why, but still."

"I'm trying."

"Try _harder."_ _Click._

 

"Hyung, I'm special, right?" Hyunbin's question throws him off-guard, and Jonghyun turns around to check. Hyunbin's grin is spread from ear to ear, and Jonghyun is alarmed at the manical glint in his eye. 

"What are you doing?" He asks carefully, and Hyunbin's grin spreads even wider. 

"I'm going to do a handstand." Hyunbin announces, and Jonghyun frowns. Before he can answer, Minki's slim hand is slipping into his own, and the steel grip makes him look back at him.

"Jonghyun-ah," Minki whispers, even as they move up to the walkway. "If I don't make it, I want you to get as many lines as possible."

"What are you talking about?" Jonghyun is concerned. Minki gives him a little half-smile, but before he can answer, Jihoon and Jinyoung run over to pull him away. 

Jonghyun stares after him, scowling. Minhyun is by his side in a second, and Jonghyun's head snaps to his.

"What's with Minki?" Jonghyun asks, and Minhyun steps back, holding his hands up at his hostility.

"I'm sorry." Jonghun apologises immediately. "Shit, I'm a crap leader. I should have checked on Minki earlier."

"You're human." Minhyun says simply, resting a hand on his shoulder. "We'll be fine."

"Pledis trainees!" One of the staff scream for them, and Dongho is near the entrance, waiting. Minki appears last, pasting a gentle smile on his face.

They walk out slowly, and do the planned heart thing. It's corny and a little cheesy, and Jonghyun smiles in embarassment at the laughs from the other trainees. Minki flops his hands forward at the last second, and the gesture is strangely adorable. They make it to their seats, settling on the second row.

Jinyoung and Jihoon follow Minki's gesture, and Jonghyun realises they must have planned it. He blinks at the sudden thought of Minki being so close to other people, and he's surprised at how well connected he is.

Moonbok is dressed prettily today, with a pair of round spectacles perched on his nose. His trademark long hair is done in slight waves, and a close inspection shows the subtle brown highlights. He looks good like this, and Minki jokes that maybe he was inspired by him to look good at elimination rounds. Minki's joke falls slightly flat in the tense atnosphere, but Dongho smiles at him fondly.

When Hyunbin appears, Jonghyun's heart leaps in his chest as he flips himself. He sees the moment where Hyunbin overbalances, and he nearly stands up in his worry. Thankfully, Hyunbin salvages the handstand by doing a small roll, to the amusement of all the trainees watching. Minhyun's laugh is the loudest of all, and Hyunbin points in their direction with another grin.

"Nearly killed me, Hyunbin-ah." Jonghyun hisses as Hyunbin passes.

"Aw, hyung." Hyunbin brushes an imaginary tear from the corner of his eye, and nearly trips over Minhyun's long legs trying to get away from Jonghyun's slaps. 

Gunhee and Hwanwoong are the last to enter, and they climb quickly to their seats, settling down. The usual happens: Boa comes in to enthusiastic applause, talks about the doubling of the number of votes, and then says some things to fill up the broadcast. Jonghyun bows on instinct before he sits, and  _then_ the eliminations truly begin.

34th rank goes to Hyunbin, and a sigh of relief escapes his throat before he can stop it. Hyunbin had ranked incredibly dangerously at 33th place the last time. As the boy passes, Jonghyun reaches up to grab his hand, and a look passes between him and Minhyun before he leaves.

"We need to help him." Minhyun insists, and Jonghyun wants to agree. 

"It's difficult." He ponders. "We aren't even on the same team."

"We'll think of something." Minhyun says so confidently Jonghyun is envious. Moonbok gets 32nd, and Jonghyun stares incredulously at the relieved expression on his face. He wasn't best buddies with him, but they had been on the same team, and Moonbok had been steadily dropping since the first week. He shakes his head, keeping his eyes low.

Hyunbin does his speech well, addressing the controversy around his slacking image and vowing to do better. Jonghyun gives him a thumbs up, and Hyunbin waves a little in his direction.

"Are you still sleeping a lot these days?" Boa asks, and Hyunbin giggles a little.

"Uh, I found a way to not sleep, and it's quite effective." He hedges. A small grin arises on the apples of Jonghyun's cheeks.

"What is it?" Boa asks, interested, and Hyunbin smiles bashfully.

"I just practice more." He says with a shrug. Boa asks the trainees if they think Hyunbin is becoming more hardworking, and the resounding "Yes." makes Jonghyun nod in pride.

Minki is 20th, and the announcement leaves Jonghyun with a strangely resigned feeling. Minhyun gasps slightly, and Jonghyun feels disappointed that Minki's votes dropped _again._ He should have  _done_ something, _anything._

Minki gives him a tiny smile, and Jonghyun can't look at him in the eye. 

Boa addresses the issue about the temporary centre with Jihoon, and Minki is smart in his answer. He monitors his reply carefully, feeling a little proud at the absence of aggression in Minki's voice.

When Jihoon stands up, Jonghyun's face hardens to stone. His very reaction would determine whether Minki got more screentime the next week. 

"Yes, I'm not adverse to giving him the centre position." Jihoon admits to the surprise of all. Jonghyun bobs his head in relief.

"That was nicely done." Dongho comments, two seats away. Samuel rises one rank from last week, but Jonghyun can hear Dongho's irritated sigh from where he is. Dongho had always been close to Samuel back in the day, and it probably hurt for him to see him drop in the rankings.

They get a break before the final eleven are announced, and Jonghyun goes to look for Minki.

"Minki?" He asks, stepping into the toilet. "You okay?"

"No." Minki wails from inside one of the cubicles.

"What's wrong?" Jonghyun leans against the stall. 

"It's the final eleven, and none of my kids have been called." Minki continues, dabbing at his face with a tissue. "Dongbin, Justin, Eunki, oh my  _God-"_

"They're not going to make it." Jonghyun realises a little too late. Minki's face wrenches, and Jonghyun sense the waterworks coming.

"Hey, hey." He panics slightly. "Minki, breathe. It's not like they're never debuting."

"No." Minki says softly, twisting the bit of the tissue in his hands. With a swift, vicious movement, he rips the tissue in half with fustration. Jonghyun swallows. "They should debut, instead of me. They deserve it more."

"Minki..." 

"Let me have this, Jonghyun-ah." Minki wallows in his own grief, and the door to the toilet creaks open. Jung Jung pokes his head in, and his sad gaze finds Minki's.

"Don't be sad, hyung." He calls, and Minki opens his arms for a hug. The door is thrown open, revealing a collection of Minki's 'children', and Jonghyun takes the moment to slip away.

Break ends, and they are ushered back into their seats. Boa looks more tired than before, and Jonghyun's jacket feels tight around him.

Eleventh place is deliberated between Dongho and Youngmin, although Jonghyun thinks Jaehwan stands a chance as well.

"PLEDIS'" Boa calls, and Jonghyun's head snaps towards Dongho's direction.

"Kang Dongho." A smile spreads across his face, and Jonghyun is so proud for a second. His failed attempt at being cute is endearing, and he smiles before going up to his seat.

"Do you think you can get first place today?" Minhyun whispers over to him.

"I don't think so." Jonghyun says absently. "Since I got first the last time round, more people will try to drag me down."

"Hm." Minhyun says, contemplative. Haknyeon is the next one to pass, and Jonghyun watches his speech indifferently.

When "distinct voice" is mentioned, Jonghyun turns his head around to Jaehwan. The younger feels the weight of his stare, and gazes back with a surprised expression.

"It's you." Jonghyun says, sure. "I'm happy for you, Jaehwan-ah."

Sure enough, he passes successfully. Jonghyun claps extra hard for him; he deserves it. He accepts Boa's challenge, singing the bridge of 'Sorry Sorry'. Jonghyun knows his voice isn't good since he had binged on chips last night.

Daniel is next, and Jonghyun's eyebrows raise at the drop in his rank. The boy looks happy enough, getting his speech done quickly and making his appeal cute and to the point.

Seongwoo drops to 7th place, but Jonghyun and Minhyun still hug him before he leaves. Seongwoo whispers a "Don't stress." into Jonghyun's ear before he leaves, and Minhyun chuckles.

"To the national producers who gave me a lot of love, interest and votes," Seongwoo says, looking very serious. "Really, really, really, jackpot, real,  _heol,_ totally, thank you so much." 

Jonghyun's laugh falls unexpectedly from his lips, and he smiles fondly at Seongwoo as he jogs up to his seat.

 "The 4 trainees from this company are now facing promotion." Boa says, and Jonghyun turns to look at Minhyun.

"It's just us and Brand New right?" He checks, and Minhyun hums in assent.

"It'll be nice if it's me." Minhyun says, and Jonghyun nods.

"Me too." 

"PLEDIS," Jonghyun's face relaxes slightly, and his lips turn up slightly in a smile. "Hwang Minhyun." 

He's surprised for a moment. He had been sure it would be him, with Boa's eyes flitting in his direction. Minhyun bounds up the stairs two at a time, grinning brightly. The trainees still seated praise his visual, and Jonghyun's satisfied smile makes an apperance once again.

"Who is the trainee you want to debut with the most?" Boa asks, and Minhyun's eyes dart around nervously.  _He's not sure how to answer this question._ Jonghyun realises, and widens his eyes slightly when Minhyun's gaze finds his. Minhyun drags out his reply, thinking it over carefully.

"Since I want to be a singer, I think it would be good to debut with someone with a strong vocal." Minhyun says, and Jonghyun huffs a sigh of relief. "I wish to debut with our independent trainee, Kim Jaehwan."

He thanks the trainees one last time, and turns away to ascend to his position. Jonghyun shields his expression with one of neutral blankness, willing his thoughts away. 5th place goes to Youngmin, and Jonghyun claps slowly, thinking over his options.

The four candidates for 1st place this week go to Guanlin, Jihoon, Daehwi and himself. He gives a startled smile at the blown up image of his face on the big screens.

"Kim Jonghyun, you were the first in the 6th week rankings right? You are also now a candidate for the first place position this round." 

Jonghyun nods sheepishly, aware of the intense stares of nearly fifty other trainees.

"What do you think is the main reason for so many of the national producers voting for you?" Boa reads off the script with a elegant finish and he is momentarily stunned at the bluntness of the question.

"Uh, I'm k-kind?" Jonghyun stumbles over his words and says the first thing to mind. "Uh, I don't really know, to be honest."

His rushed reply wins a laugh from the crowd, and a blush spreads across his cheeks. 4th place is withheld from him since he doesn't suit the age limit Boa teases them with. It goes to Daehwi in the end, and Jonghyun congradulates him quietly. He's become fond of the other since he called for help during the second evaluations, and Daehwi is a kind (if not ambitious) individual. Daehwi's voice wavers slightly when he talks about his mother, and Jonghyun winces in empathy.

Although everyone seems to think Guanlin is third, the place goes to Jihoon instead. 

"Fortune teller." Guanlin jokes with him as they go up the stage together at Boa's call. Jonghyun gives him a sheepish smile. He goes through the motions in a blur, feeling immensely grateful for the fact that he's able to continue on in the competition. 

"How do you feel standing on a lightbox?" Boa asks, and Jonghyun is struck by sudden inspiration.

"Oh, when I saw the 'Downpour' performance, I thought that the members looked very cool on their lightboxes so I had wanted to try it." His quip draws out another laugh, and he shoulders on. "Besides being thankful for being able to stand on this particular lightbox, I think I am more grateful for being able to participate in our next mission."

"The trainee to attain the honourable first position in the second elimination round is..." Jonghyun fixes his eyes on the PD. They take a while to film reaction shots, and when the producer gives Boa a thumbs up, his entire body tenses over.

"PLEDIS, Kim Jonghyun!" 

Jonghyun blinks furiously, a smile creeping up his cheeks. He gets down from the lightbox immediately, going to wrap Guanlin up in a hug. Behind him, he can hear Hyunbin's distinct voice whooping.

"You've worked hard, hyung." Guanlin mutters soothingly, rubbing his back. He can only smile back as gently as he can.

When Boa prompts him to speak, he consolidates a brief speech in his mind, tripping over his words. 

_Try harder._

 "I can now tell my parents that I am in first place." Jonghyun stutters. It's harder to say it out loud, so he just bows and thanks everyone once again. He's encouraged to do the Wartortle pose, and he does it, scrunching his face up in embarassment. Guanlin mentions Dongho in his speech, and Jonghyun sucks in a surprised breath at how close the two are. When the boy thanks him too, Jonghyun laughs a bit. No matter how much he helped, it was Guanlin's hard work and effort that paid off.

They jog up to their seats, and Jonghyun grabs the hands of some trainees on the way. Minki offers his hand with a strange smile, and Dongho leans down from behind him to congradulate him too. Minki's eyes drift pass him to the rows of trainees yet to be passed. He smiles at the both of them, going to grab Jaehwan and Daniel's hands, then Minhyun and Seongwoo's.

He meets Jihoon's eyes, and his smile drops slightly.

"You have to come up too. I'm sorry, I'll give you back the place soon." He whispers, muffling the microphone attatched to his shirt with Jihoon's jacket.

 _"No,_ hyung." Jihoon smiles bashfully, waving his apology away. 

"Is it high?" Minhyun mouths, and Jonghyun chuckles.

"The view is great but it's really scary." He admits, laughing. The filming wraps up cleanly, and Jonghyun leads everyone in a somber greeting to the national producers.

"Cut!" The staffs call, and Jonghyun sees a head of blonde scramble off his seat and down the stairs. He takes his time, going to Minhyun and walking down the steps. He finds Hyunbin quickly enough, taking him aside.

He presses his forehead to the other's, forcing him to bend down.

"Thank you for making it." He says, eyes closed. Hyunbin makes a startled sound, trying to pull away. 

"Hyung, are you okay?" Hyunbin asks, putting the back of his hand to his forehead. 

"No." Jonghyun watches Minki smile painfully for the group of sobbing trainees embracing him. "Not really."

"Hyung?" Hyunbin's voice is unsure. Dongho steps into Jonghyun's line of sight.

"We need to fix Minki." He says, and Jonghyun swoons slightly on his feet, feeling very tired.

"Yes." Is all he can say.

Across the room, Minki's face finally twists horribly, and he starts crying into Justin's arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so upset about Eunki, Hwanwoong, Hyunmin, Justin and so many more :-( all the best to them + I'll always support them :-((((
> 
> skipped the punch king thing bc not really feeling it rn. maybe in another one shot later on :-)
> 
> comment to make me happy please! I really love reading comments, even if its just your ixnsjxjx about pd101 in general. also if yall want to suggests prompts go ahead!! i check my inbox quite often bc I'm a thirsty hoe.


	8. it's getting harder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's a little sentiment at the end notes (skip it if you think it's irrelevant but I just wanted to post it)  
> I'm going to do this chapter up till a few days before the performance to avoid reordering the chapters again.
> 
> \+ did anyone notice jonghyun's slight skid (like he kind of tripped) at 0.50 mark in the never video as well as guanlin being off timing in around the 1 minute mark? i'm not sure if i'm seeing wrongly hmu if u saw it too

Jonghyun stares down at the little sheet of paper in front of him, weighing his options. 

First place went to Jaehwan, of course. He was their main vocal, and he suited the song more than Seongwoon did. 

Second place went to Minhyun, and third to Seongwoo. Jonghyun chooses Daehwi next, then Woojin. He's down to his last two picks, and he scribbles his name at the seventh spot. 

Haknyeon was out. He hadn't even wanted to do this song, and it was evident despite his efforts. Seonho and Guanlin were grouped at the hip, and Youngmin was a rival to Jonghyun. They were both seen as leaders, and he didn't need some netizen comparing the both of them and starting a fanwar. Seongwoon was desperate, and Jonghyun found that to be an incredibly dangerous quality. His attitude tiptoed on the border of madness and professionalism. In the past three days, he had overworked himself twice and had been sent to the sick bay once for fever. Jonghyun puts the pen to his mouth, mediating. 

He picks Guanlin in the end, since they would need one more rapper. Biting his lip, he tosses the paper into the box and thanks the staff before he leaves. 

The room is tense, and everyone looks especially nervous. He smiles and tries to initiate conversation, pleased when Haknyeon picks up on his effort and plays along. Entering the voting booth one by one makes the half-hour pass by painfully. When they are done, the staff paste the names on the board.

"I think the results will be just like how I predicted." Minhyun jokes to ease the atmosphere. Jaehwan lets out a chuckle, and everyone else gives a anxious half-smile.

Jonghyun puts it up on the wall, telling the team a quiet "fighting", before he reveals the first member. It's Jaehwan, and he nearly falls over in relief. Minhyun is next, and the tension in Minhyun's shoulders relax. Jonghyun thanks everyone for the votes as he realises he's third. 

It starts to get interesting when Woojin is picked, and Haknyeon sighs. Seongwoo and Daehwi follow in quick succession and Seonho frowns. 

Seongwoon looks like he's about to go mad. His hands are fisted in his hair and the look in his eyes makes Jonghyun tense a little. 

"Tear it." Seonho tells him and he follows, ripping the cover off. Seongwoon scrambles across the room, shouting, and for one moment Jonghyun thinks he's being attacked. Then he regains his senses and looks up at the board.

In seventh place is Ha Sungwoon/Lai Guanlin and it takes just a few seconds for him to realise what's happened.

"What is this? A tie?" He and Minhyun ask the staff, feeling exasperated when they nod. Seongwoon rips off his glasses in irritation, bringing his hands to the back of his head. Jonghyun watches, blinking, as the older collapses onto the floor with a huff. Seonho and Haknyeon look disappointed, but Youngmin remains smiling, which Jonghyun appreciates.

"We need to do something about this." Jonghyun says, looking to the staff for guidance. One of the cameramen waves an arm in some general direction at him, and he nearly laughs at their lack of advice. 

"Can we go as eight?" Seongwoon asks, rubbing his neck. Jaehwan giggles, but Seongwoon looks even more stressed.

"Let's vote again." Jonghyun suggests, and the confirmed members nod. He gives them ten minutes, having already made his decision. 

Last place in the team goes to Guanlin, and the look on Seongwoon's face before he leaves wrenches on Jonghyun's chest. He feels sorry, of course. The older had probably put in the most effort for the song. They break off for a goodbye and break, then come back to hold a meeting.

Seongwoo claps the slate a little glumly and Jonghyun holds court in the middle of the room, ensuring that every member gets a hand held microphone. 

"Okay, let's decide on a centre." Jonghyun announces. "Anyone suddenly wants to be a centre?"

The chorus of "no" makes his job a lot easier, and he holds the voting for centre. Surprisingly, no one votes for Guanlin, but everyone votes for Minhyun. They decide on Minhyun as centre, although Woojin's expression looks a little pained.

"Woojin-ah, do you want to be centre?" Jonghyun asks him aside, and the younger shakes his head firmly. "Okay." He says hestitantly, deciding to check on him later.

Handing out sheets of the lyrics, he lets everyone hear the guide. Main vocal goes to Jaehwan, obviously, although Seongwoo looks sad. The lines for centre are similar to that of a lead, but Seongwoo gets the official lead vocalist position. Daehwi chooses the sub-vocalist parts of his own accord, saying that he connects with the lyrics. The choosing of rap positions is difficult, and Jonghyun bows out of the competition, not wanting to hinder the younger trainees' progress. Guanlin's pronounciation has been steadily improving, but Woojin's general tone and flow are better honed due to more experience. Jonghyun chooses whatever's that's left. It's basically the bridge, but he feels okay with it.

"Let's do this well and get first place." Minhyun says, wrapping an arm around Guanlin's waist. The younger leans into him and Jonghyun relaxes knowing there is no bad blood between them.

"One, two, three, fighting!" They cheer, and Jonghyun pads over to the iPad, turning it on. They have to change some of the positions due to the changes, but since Jaehwan and Minhyun kept their original positions, it's easier to arrange themselves by using them as anchors. Jonghyun places Woojin and Seongwoo in front, and tries to push Guanlin as well, but Guanlin smiles shyly and says he isn't confident enough.

"Hyung, will you be okay?" He asks, and conversation stills in the room and everyone awaits his response. 

"I will be if all of you do well." Jonghyun jokes, and the mood is uplifted. Seongwoo volunteers to press the button and Jonghyun laughs, going to arrange everyone around Minhyun. 

Seongwoo takes an awfully long time, and Jonghyun turns around to check just in time to see him do some aegyo.

"Hey." He warns quietly, and Seongwoo darts back into position just as the song begins. 

 

Jonghyun is so tired he can barely stand. His legs hurt from practicing the choreography over and over again. He ducks into the small studio they are allocated, amused to find Jaehwan and Minhyun already resting inside. Jaehwan seems half awake, but Minhyun is asleep, arms sprawled out. Jonghyun steps over them to get to the free space beside Minhyun, using one of his arms as a pillow. 

His brain is so fried, but he's buzzing with activity, so he tries rapping a little. Minhyun lets out an annoyed grunt, and Jonghyun pats his arm absently.

"It's me." He whispers, and Minhyun's face clears, turning into him. Woojin bangs the door when he's coming in with the video camera. He makes a few mistakes, and Jonghyun covers his face with a cap to block out the noise.

He finally exits, probably in search of people to bother. Jonghyun swats the cap off his face, and closes his eyes.

"Hyunbin is the leader?" Jaehwan's astonished yelp draws his attention, and Jonghyun sits up from where he's lying on Minhyun's arm.

"What?" He clarifies, and Jaehwan nods. 

"Look, there he is." He points, and Jonghyun sees Hyunbin run across the landing, the leader sticker gleaming on his chest.

"Looks like we didn't have to help so much after all." Minhyun lets out a small rumble of laughter as they watch Hyunbin grab the back of Taedong's hoodie, pulling him back down the stairs to their training room.

"He's working hard." Seongwoo acknowledges fondly, popping his head into the small studio space. "I'm not sure what he's thinking, but I think he'll be fine."

"He's a wild card." Jaehwan smiles. "That's what's good about him. He surprises you every time."

 

"Oh, you look handsome." Woojin comes to him with a camera in hand, and Jonghyun grins, fiddling with the black face mask in his hands.

"Really?" His smile turns a little shy. Woojin rolls his eyes at him and asks him to greet, but he cuts his greeting off halfway as he remembers something.

"It's not going to come out anyway!" Jonghyun protests, pouting. Woojin exhales in faux irritation and Jonghyun hides his giggle.

"No, it's going to come out. I'll make sure it does." Woojin vows seriously. "Now, why are you sweating this much?"

"I was practicing the choreography." Jonghyun deadpans, savouring Woojin's annoyance.

"This is why you don't get any screentime!" Woojin shrieks, and Jonghyun motions for them to switch positions. Woojin takes his place on the bench and checks his hair in the mirror.

Jonghyun chats with him for a little while before Woojin makes another pronunciation mistake. Jonghyun tilts his head slightly in confusion, knowing Woojin's Korean wasn't  _this_ bad. 

"Woojin-ah, are you getting a headache?" He asks, and Woojin nods slightly.

"I'll get you some panadol." Jonghyun advises, opening the drawer and grabbing a new water bottle. Woojin pops two pills and Jonghyun brings him back to the dorms.

"Sleep, Woojin-ah." He says firmly, drawing the covers over him.

"Hyung?" His voice sounds small, and Jonghyun blinks suddenly. He hears himself in that insecure tone and-

"Am I doing well as main rapper?" 

Jonghyun sits down on top of the duvet.

"You are." Jonghyun comforts him warmly. "You are doing so much better than I thought you would be. I picked you, you know? You"re a great rapper and a great dancer, Woojin."

"Thanks, hyung." Woojin's fingers come to clench Jonghyun's once. "I needed that."

"I'm here for you. Now go to sleep, brat. I need you in top form tomorrow." Jonghyun jokes, shoving Woojin's arm. Woojin rolls his eyes and turns over, tucking himself into a ball. Jonghyun ruffles his hair and slips out of the dorm.

 

"Anyone not feeling well?" Jonghyun checks before they start practice and everyone seems fine. He sighs in relief, going to observe the choreography from the back. It looks fine, although Guanlin has a slight tendency to go out of formation. 

"Okay, I know the footwork is difficult, but remember to do this." He demonstrates by hitting his chest twice. Everyone follows obediently and he nods in approval, joining them in practice.

"Let's do a live." He directs after ten rounds of warm up. The vocals are stable, which is expected. Guanlin's rap is a little bit disjointed due to the exertion, so Jonghyun brings him to one corner to coach him on breathing technique. 

"Let's match the sound of our feet, now." Jonghyun turns the volume down as they copy each other's footwork. The jump is the hardest, but they get it done after an hour of jumping, followed promptly by a water and toilet break.

They practice for a while more, and Jonghyun gets so into it he completely misses Triple H's entrance.

Woojin is the first to notice, then Jaehwan. Jaehwan's flabbergasted expression as he hisses his name makes him look up. He gets up from his kneeling position immediately, bowing and signalling for the others to follow his lead. Minhyun at the side continues practicing intently, until he realises everyone's bowing. They do the customary greetings, and a crowd of trainees appear outside their studio. 

"Guanlin-ie is here." Edawn points out, quirking his lip. Mentioned boy lights up, and Jonghyun realises it's the first time he's seen the boy look so happy.

"How's the song?" Hyuna asks, and his boys nearly fall over themselves to answer her question. Their replies draw out a giggle from her, and Jonghyun makes sure to emphasise how much they enjoy practicing the song.

Outside, Gunhee nearly presses his face into the glass door and Hyunbin is jumping up and down, slapping the boy next to him. Hyuna turns to look and Gunhee jumps, fleeing at the sight. Jonghyun chuckles.

"Please show us a good stage later." Hyuna speaks on behalf of the Triple H, and they bow as she leaves.

"Heard that, boys?" Jonghyun rolls his neck, feeling the crick come back again. "Alright, let's get this started."

 

 "Wow." Jonghyun hears Seongwoo gasp in shock, and he nudges him forward slightly. The panel of composers and choreoraphers are staring intently as the trainees enter, and Jonghyun feels a sliver of self-doubt slither into the base of his stomach. 

"We'll be fine, hyung." Jaehwan smiles hopefully at him, and Minhyun pats his arm as he leads his group to their assigned seats. 

Producer Shinhyuk greets them first, and Jonghyun winces as he recognises the producer's no-nonsense, straightforward personality. Hyunbin would have a hard time. 

"Let's start from Show Time." Trainer Kwon gets down to business, and Jonghyun watches Seongwoon and Samuel as they nervously position themselves. Their group does well, under Taehyun's leadership. Samuel's dance is perfect and spot on, as expected, and Seongwoon pulls off his lines with a subtle groove. Jonghyun claps eagerly once they're done. It's not the first time he's seen them practice, of course. He wasn't stupid enough to be surprised by the other teams and affect his own performance: he had scouted the groups with Jaehwan, the both of them walking past all the practice studios to see how the others were doing. 'I Know You Know' is next, and Hyunbin ushers his team out with a strangely blank expression. 

"Hyunbin-ah." Trainer Kwon says, flipping through the papers again. "How did you become the leader?"

The trainees break out into laughter, and Hyunbin gives a sheepish bow. Jonghyun looks back at Minhyun, who pulls a faux surprised expression. Turning back, he beams encouragingly at Hyunbin, and the younger shrugs his shoulder slightly. Yehyun does fine, and Hyunbin's rap has improved. Seongwoo nudges him enthusiastically from the side, and Jonghyun's smile spreads across his face. Unfortunately, Donghan seems to be using falsetto and his notes aren't clear. The runs are also sloppy, and Jonghyun sees Hyunbin nodding encouragingly. Taedong's the same, but at least Seonghyuk is very stable as a main vocal. Moonbok's rap is alright, he supposes. It didn't fit the song, but didn't stick out like a sore thumb as well. Their producer's expression darkens as the evaluation continues and Jonghyun sighs.

Minhyun shoves him slightly from the back, and Jonghyun leans back as he bends down to whisper in his ear.

"Hyunbin's not doing his job well." Minhyun hisses frantically. "If the editing team..."

"I know." Jonghyun sighs. "I wish I could do something but... My hands are tied here."

Seongwoo pats his knee in consolation and Jonghyun looks down at his feet in worry. 'I Know You Know's team is given scathing comments, but Jonghyun takes comfort in the fact that the choreography of the song is stable and good enough to earn a pass. 

 "Hyunbin-ie, what have you been doing?" Trainer Kwon asks, eyes filled with genuine concern. Jonghyun hears Seongwoo hiss under his breath, and he closes his eyes. 

"Hyunbin-ah!" His voice is cold. "You know the responsibility of a leader, yes?"

"Ye-Yes." Hyunbin rushes to answer, then his shoulders cave in slightly. "I'll do better." 

The team trods back to their spot in disgrace, and Jonghyun sees Hyunbin cover his face with his hands before turning into Taedong's shoulder. Dongho pats his back as he goes up for an evaluation, and Hyunbin gives a small twist of his lips. The KNOCK team's evaluation lightens the mood a little, and Jonghyun giggles as Dongho holds out one fist with a shy smile. Trainer Kwon calls out Haknyeon for his position of centre, and Jonghyun genuinely hopes he does well. Hyunbin still looks upset, and Jonghyun ushers him over to the spot next to him hurriedly as the team prepares. The choreography is done well, except for Haknyeon floundering around like a fish on land. During the transitions, Dongho looks like he's about to punch the boy as he runs in front of him to his spot. KNOCK team gets another bad review due to the lack of teamwork in the team, and one of the producers call for Dongho to come over to the panel. Dongho leaves with a grim set of his mouth, and Daniel looks horrified at the state of his team. 

Minki gets praised for his expressions and vocal stability, but Sewoon is praised the most in the team. Jonghyun agrees: the kid was so suited to the song it seemed like it was made for him. Jinyoung is criticized for his lack of energy, and the worry in Jonghyun's stomach solidifies. 

"Jonghyun-hyung, I need you to be confident for us." Jaehwan says into his ear as they walk up for evaluation. "You can do that, yes? For us?"

Jonghyun straightens a little, then realises Jaehwan's pulling the same trick he did with Minki during the first training. He scoffs a little, then rolls his shoulders back.

"Of course." He replies, cracking his neck and stretching his waist. 

"Fighting." Seongwoo says under his breath and Minhyun echoes the cheer, smiling at him. They're already in formation, and Jonghyun relaxes his body. He's practiced this dance countless times, so it  _should_ be fine. He misses the slight beat at the end and his hand is slow to come to his chest, but an exchanged nod with Trainer Kwon shows that it was barely noticed. He gathers his group members into one line as they wait for the comments. Daehwi is nervous, changing his weight from one foot to another restlessly. Woojin shakes his head slightly, squinting. 

"The energy is really good." Hyuna says after a moment of consideration. "Come to CUBE tomorrow, we can start recording."

Jonghyun bows. As he walks back to his seat, he nearly drops to the floor in relief, and his left knee gives way. Daehwi grabs him by the arm and lowers him gently to the floor. He realises he's slightly shaking when Minhyun places a heavy hand on his head, stilling the motion. 

"Jonghyun." Seongwoo's voice sounds a little far away, and he closes his eyes.

"I'm okay. It's not like that." Jonghyun says, a warm feeling spreading in his chest. He opens his eyes again to see Woojin scratch his face, leaving a red stripe under his eye. 

 

"Guys?" Jonghyun calls as he walks into the practice studio. "Come here, I need to talk to you."

"Yeah, hyung?" Daehwi bounds up to his side in seconds, pulling him to the floor.

"I want all of you to practice the entire song." Jonghyun says. "Even if it isn't your part."

"What?" Woojin asks in worry, scratching his face again. 

"This isn't about stealing parts." Jonghyun consoles him. "We might have to do doubling or maybe exchange parts based on the producers' ideas. So, I thought it would be better for all of you to prepare yourselves."

"Okay, sounds cool." Daehwi says easily, standing on his feet in one fluid motion. "Hyung, do you have a knee guard? Minhyun wore shorts today."

"Yeah, in my bag." Jonghyun answers distractedly, eyes focused on Woojin as his hand comes up to scratch his face again. The area under his eye is an angry red now.

"Are you okay?" He checks later, and Woojin shrugs.

"I think it's an allergy. I'll put some aloe vera on it before I go to bed tonight." Woojin dismisses it and Jonghyun nods, hesitating. 

 

Jonghyun huddles into the small sofa with Seongwoo, linking his arm with Guanlin's. It's Wednesday already, and time seems to be ticking dangerously against them.

Triple H does the greetings and Jonghyun leads the group to respond in turn. He can't help but notice that Hui's eyes never meet his, and how Edawn insists on using formal speech when addressing him. It makes him feel sorry, in a way.

"Since we are all singers here, we can understand each other." Hyuna explains, looking at them fondly. "If there is anything you would like to try, do voice it out before you enter the studio."

"I was thinking about letting Daehwi have my first part." Minhyun interjects, and the attention on the room goes to them. Daehwi holds his hand hopefully and Minhyun swallows nervously before continuing. "I mean, the first two lines in the song."

"Sure, we can try that." Hyuna replies after a long pause. Hui and Edawn still can't talk to them comfortably. 

Daehwi is the first to enter the studio, and he jumps on his feet slightly, whining. Jonghyun stifles a smile at the younger's adorable antics.

Hyuna compliments his tone, and the boy's face lights up completely. Due to his experience as a producer himself, Daehwi finishes up quickly, then passing the recording studio to Minhyun. Minhyun does well too, and Hyuna molds his voice into something that Jonghyun's heard only once: a fragile, strong voice with stable runs. Jaehwan slips into the studio after grabbing a drink, and Edawn mentions casually how he's the one he's been waiting for. Jaehwan grins too, and his confidence levels skyrocket, even throwing in his own rendition of a rap to the catcalls and awe of the team. Jonghyun is surprised when he hears it, and he clucks his tongue at how talented Jaehwan is. 

Seongwoo has a slight difficulty transforming his voice to the low baritone in the English lyrics. Jonghyun is roped into Operation Baritone after much nagging on Daehwi's side, and he takes Seongwoo out to demonstrate how to use his diaphragm more to inject power into his voice. When he returns, Seongwoo aces the lines and Hyuna shoots Jonghyun an impressed raise of her eyebrows.

"Excuse me." Jonghyun says, and Hui gives him a distracted look. "My part after Guanlin's 'I don't wanna go', can I suggest for Guanlin to do those lines as well?"

"What?" Guanlin retorts. "Hyung, no!"

"Huh?" Jonghyun looks down at the suddenly angry younger. "What's wrong, Guanlin-ah?"

"Hyung, you only have three lines if you do this." Guanlin insists, and he seems genuinely upset. "I can't-"

"I think that would be nice." Edawn says, affixing the end of his pen to his mouth. "We can have Guanlin double with Woojin in the front as well."

"I think that's good." Woojin acknowledges, and Hyuna gives them all a thumbs up. Guanlin throws his hands up in the air, frowning. 

"Does my opinion even count?" He asks the world at large, and Jonghyun holds onto his sleeve.

"Do you trust me?" He asks, and the boy nods slowly, unwillingly. "Then show me you do. Let me do this."

"Hyung-"

"I'll be right back." He throws over his shoulder, and shuffles into the recording room. 

 

The entire day is spent in the studios, and Jonghyun orders everyone to take a nap before dinner. They're still stuck using the guide, but a staff member passes on a message from the producers that Jonghyun's part is the only part they've changed. He spends dinner looking into the grains of rice in his bowl, dazing out. Seongwoo nudges him harshly in the side, and he jerks up, spooning the rest of the meal hurriedly into his mouth. The others are already done, and they wait for him at the doors.

"Let's go practice." Jonghyun mutters, and Daehwi wraps an arm around his waist, pulling sets of aegyo to wake him up properly. Practice begins without a hitch, and the change in parts doesn't affect the choreography since the positions were the same.

"Guanlin-ah, as we transition, you can run after Woojin-ie slightly during the doubling." Seongwoo suggests and they all look over to Jonghyun for approval.

"Try it." He says, and they run through once more. "It's great. It looks natural. Great job guys."

Seongwoo shoots him finger hearts, and Jonghyun waves him off, feeling even more tired. They practice for one more hour before Jaehwan turns off the iPad and computer, insisting that everyone goes to bed.

"Jonghyun-hyung's spirit isn't even in his tiny body." Jaehwan convinces them all with one line, and Jonghyuns scowls.

"Shut up, we're nearly the same height." He mutters as Minhyun flicks off the air conditioning and light switches. They aren't the last team to make it back to the dorms, and Jonghyun catches wafts of 'I Know You Know' in the training centre. 

"How's Hyunbin?" He remembers, and Minhyun strolls beside him.

"He's doing well. Their team improved already." He says shortly, and Woojin in front of him stumbles off the sidewalk into the grass as Guanlin butt bumps him. When he looks back, something looks strange. Jonghyun double takes when he realises Woojin's left eye is swollen.

"Woojin, your eye swelled." He says, lunging forward to shoo Guanlin away. "Are you still having the allergy?"

"Maybe?" Woojin sounds unsure, and Jonghyun hauls him back to the dorm, fishing in his first aid kit for Zectec pills. He passes Woojin a pill and a bottle of water, watching as he swallows it, then chugs the rest of the contents of the bottle in one shot. 

"First shower?" Jonghyun tempts him, and Woojin jumps into the bathroom, surprising a half-naked Seongwoo, who's nearly dead on his feet brushing his teeth. Jaehwan and Minhyun share the basin with him, and he pulls out his pyjamas, siting on the bed and nearly falling asleep. Daehwi and Woojin share the shower, saying they're used to it since they're from the same company. The rest take turns of no more than ten minutes each, exchanging the cubicle for the hair dryer and falling into their bunks and into deep sleep. Jonghyun washes up last, just as the temperature of the water dips below a comfortable range. He emerges with the hair on the back of his hair sticking to his nape to find Minhyun drying his hair groggily with a towel.

"Come here." Minhyun commands, and Jonghyun obliges, padding over on quiet feet, careful not to disturb the others. Minhyun dries his hair for him in silence before kicking him out of his bunk, and into his own. 

Jonghyun falls deep into a dreamless sleep, the only thing on his mind:  _It's getting harder. We need to do well._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm thinking of creating a twitter so I can rant more about pd101 and get more actual responses but then I realised it's the third last episode already fml
> 
> I'm so invested in these boys you have no idea.
> 
> A lot of people have asked me how I make the characters realistic and the thing is: I put a little bit of myself in them. Through the journey of writing this series, I've given a little bit of my self away to these boys, colouring in the gaps of their extraordinary personalities and odd quirks with barely passable writing. It's strange how far I've gone with this, and it's even stranger to comprehend that this _is_ ending, whether I like it or not. With one show, I've met 101 trainees with a common dream and goal. I've also met the lovely people here who have complimented me till my face goes completely red and also the people who have cheered me on during writer's block. It's terrifying to wait for the third elimination next week. I've spent 9 episodes, 18 hours, and countless minutes watching the PR and promotion videos of the trainees I favour. I've spent an average of five hours a week writing- rewatching and rewinding every episode by the second to catch the littlest change in expression in our boys' faces: how they light up at the sight of food, how they smile at each other, the way they stand next to each other. These things have taught me much about the human mind. It hurts to think about anyone being eliminated from the programme, and I wish whole-heartedly for the success of all the trainees that have entered the show. Thank you to all of you: you made me heal.


	9. everytime, everywhere

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ong's part in never is truly iconic

"Rehearsal day." Daehwi bops into Woojin's side to make him laugh. Jonghyun eyes the two of them carefully, staying still as eyeliner is applied to the corners of his eyes.

"Jonghyun!" Someone calls his name, and his eyes drift to the mirror, where a reflection of Minki dressed entirely in pink. "What colour should my lenses be? I can't decide between green or blue." 

"Green." Jonghyun answers absently, tilting his head to check the contour of his cheeks. He's lost weight, strangely, and he looks a little gaunt against the strong lighting.

"You look like a dead person." Minki says, coming over to share the mirror. He pops the lens in easily, and Jonghyun nods. "Excuse me, noona, can you get Jonghyun some bronzer?"

Jonghyun is shoved down onto the seat again, and Minki straightens his blazer. 

"You should see Dongho." Minki jokes lightly. "The stylists are having a field day because they forgot he has tattoos. His shirt slips when he dances."

Jonghyun resists the urge to smile, moving his lips only to speak.

"I'll see him once I'm done." He mutters, and the stylist releases his face. "I need to check on my team."

"Minki-hyung!" Jihoon pokes his head into their room and waves hi to him before apologising and dragging his team member out.

Guanlin emerges from the changing room dressed entirely in black and Jonghyun spots the similarity it has with the 'FEAR' outfit. 

"Yah, are you performing for FEAR or NEVER?" Seongwoo speaks for him, leaning forward on his elbows. He's promptly slapped lightly by one of the staff, who is winding up his microphone. Sitting back upright with a pout, he claps enthusiastically when Guanlin breaks into his verse, albeit a little tiredly.

"I'm done now." Jonghyun says, ushering their group out of the waiting room onto the stage. The trainers are all seated in the front, and he leads them all in greeting before going to his spot.

 

"Hyung," Someone is shaking his shoulder, and Jonghyun groans, pushing his head further into the pillow. "Hyung, you need to see this. It's Woojin."

 _"What?"_ Jonghyun darts upright, blinking against the sudden vertigo. The sky outside looks dark, then sun just barely creeping through the clouds. "What's happened? Where is he?"

"Here, hyung." Daehwi scampers off the ladder and he follows, landing lightly on the balls of his feet. Minhyun stirs slightly, and he tiptoes past a snoring Jaehwan.

Woojin is sitting on the toilet seat, hand covered over his eye.

"What happened?" Jonghyun asks in distress, and Woojin's hand leaves his face. A cluster of angry blisters have formed on the area under his eye, and Jonghyun sucks in an alarmed breath at the sight.

"It hurts." Woojin whimpers slightly, and Daehwi's hand comes to smooth the back of his hair down. Jonghyun can't identify the problem, so he makes a split second decision.

Ducking back into the main room, he flicks on the light switch.

"Wake up!" He calls urgently. Seongwoo and Minhyun jump, startled. Their faces emerge from the depths of their bunks, and Guanlin is quick to follow. He jams a pair of spectacles on his face, squinting. Jonghyun shakes Jaehwan's shoulder desperately, and he finally gets up.

"Woojin is sick." He informs them all, removing his shirt to throw on a hoodie. Grabbing a random bag hanging on the hooks behind their door, he stuffs it with chips and bottles of water. "I'm bringing him to the sick bay. Minhyun and Seongwoo, you're on leader duty today if I don't come back before breakfast ends. Set an alarm at seven, be in the practice studio by eight thirty."

"Is he going to be okay?" Guanlin asks, and Jonghyun narrows his eyes. 

"I'm not sure. We'll get going." He replies shortly, then grabs Woojin's arm. Minhyun nods to him once, and he flees the dorm. Woojin is stumbling slightly, and Jonghyun supports him as they hobble down the stairs to the main pavement. The sick bay is close by, and Jonghyun hammers on the door for nearly ten minutes before the nurse opens it, looking flustered.

Jonghyun passes Woojin to her, and they settle the boy into a chair.

"I think it's shingles." The nurse says after a round of inspection. 

"What does that mean?" Jonghyun questions, fingers curling around Woojin's shoulder.

"It's a bit like chickenpox." The nurse explains, bustling around the small room. 

"Is it contagious?" 

"It is to people who have never had chickenpox or the chickenpox vaccine." The nurse replies, voice sounding muffled as she digs in her desk. She emerges with a piece of wet compress, and orders Woojin to hold it to his face.

"Here, boy, get some baking soda or cornstarch from the kitchens." She says, and Jonghyun leaves Woojin reluctantly. Sprinting, he blazes past Daniel who's on a morning jog, leaving the other boy looking back on him in confusion.

"I need baking soda or cornstarch please." He requests immediately upon entering the kitchens. The chefs look slightly horrified at his dishevelled state, but they fill a container with cornstarch for him before kicking him out. He makes it back to the sick bay, finding Woojin spread out onto one of the cots.

"Thanks." The nurse says, grabbing it. "Woojin, you need to go to a hospital."

"No!" The boy says urgently and Jonghyun's head snaps up. He meets Woojin's frantic eyes. "Please, I need to peform."

"I would not advise it." The nurse says. "It's going to be more painful tomorrow."

"I'll deal with it." Woojin says, determined. Jonghyun shakes his head.

"Even if you can tolerate the pain, the shingles may spread to the others." Jonghyun hedges. "I'm sorry, Woojin, but if any one of them are not immune, I'm sending you to the hospital."

Woojin shakes his head vehemently, and Jonghyun rushes to place a aplogetic hand on his thigh.

"I'll try." He comforts. "I know how important this is to you, Woojin-ah, but-"

"Try." Woojin says, lips dipping into a pout. 

"Go and ask." The nurse comes back and removes the compress, spreading the cornflour on the affected area. Woojin hisses, and his hand clenches into a fist. "Eat some breakfast too while you are at it. You're too skinny."

 

"How's Woojin?" Daehwi runs up to him once he enters and Seongwoo goes to turn off the music. 

"It's a type of chickenpox." Jonghyun pauses before he drops the bomb. "He still wants to perform."

The team looks down at their feet, shuffling, and Jonghyun knows they understand just as he does. 

"It's contagious, so has anyone not taken the chickenpox vaccine?" Jonghyun asks, sitting on the floor. Jaehwan raises his hand, saying he's already got chickenpox before. The rest say they have gotten the vaccine, which is customary since all trainees got their vaccines done regularly.

"Are we going to let him perform?" Daehwi whispers, unsure. 

"Is anyone against him performing?" Jonghyun asks, and they all shake their heads. "Okay, then he performs. Practice will be disrupted this morning, he needs to rest. We'll continue without him first." 

"I'll go back to tell him the news." Jonghyun stands, looking at the others for approval. Nodding, they usher him hurriedly out. 

 

The last dinner before the performance is spent in silence. Jonghyun grabs his tray and tucks himself into a spot in the corner of the room. A tray bangs down next to him and he glances up, startled. It's Hyunbin, and the tension in his shoulders relax a little. Daniel troops over as well, sitting down opposite him.

"Leader's meeting." Daniel says determinedly, and Jonghyun's eyebrows furrow. "Taehyun hyung and Geonhee hyung will be late."

He nods in acceptance, stress lines on his face appearing.

"Hyung?" Hyunbin says suddenly. "I'm sorry that I'm a bad dancer."

Jonghyun splutters slightly around a mouthful of chicken breast. Daniel looks up in worry and slides a bottle of water across the table.

"Being a leader is hard." Daniel acknowledges as they watch him recover. "Thank you for being my first ever leader here, hyung."

"A leader doesn't take the credit." Hyunbin smiles, and takes his hand. "Still, thank you hyung."

Jonghyun looks at the both of them, lips tilted up in a painful smile. The words go unsaid, and they eat in comfortable silence.

When Geonhee and Taehyun arrive, Jonghyun notices their stressed expressions.

"All the best for tomorrow." He pats their shoulders, and they look tired. "Let's do well together."

"Yeah." Taehyun says, grinning back at him. "We'll monitor each other." 

"I'm probably the worst leader here, but good job everyone." Hyunbin slides an arm around Daniel's waist, minding his hand. "One more day, and we'll be free."

Jonghyun looks fondly at him, realising how much Hyunbin has grown. 

"Aw." Daniel tweaks Hyunbin's nose and Geonhee bursts into laughter at Hyunbin's answering snarl.

 

At night, Jonghyun senses someone sneak into his bunk and something like a stuffed toy lands on his face. He sits up, trying to identify the object. The person grabs his shoulder and brings him down to the mattress again.

"Can I sleep here?" Seongwoo mumbles and Jonghyun hums in relief. "Night."

Seongwoo wraps one lanky arm around him and Jonghyun looks down at the toy in his hand. He giggles softly when he realises what it is.

The soft yellow felt on the shell of the Wartotle soft toy makes him remember that night, and he tucks it closer to him. If he sniffs hard enough, he can still smell the scent of popcorn and happiness. 

"Sleep." Seongwoo says and Jonghyun listens, closing his eyes.

 

"You're changing our outfits? What about the individual fancams?" Jonghyun asks in disbelief. The coordinator has the decency to look ashamed, and Jonghyun sharpens his voice to something a little more effective.

"I will not have my team perform in clothes they've never worn before. And I will most definitely not have Woojin exert himself. He is _not_ dancing before the actual performance." He rants, and Minhyun places a warning hand on his arm to calm him.

"I'm sorry, but that's why we had your group to come the earliest today for another rehearsal." The design coordinator tries to placate him, and Jonghyun catches a hold of Seongwoo's elbow, pulling him close for inspection.

"How can you give him such thin suspenders when you  _know_ our dance is difficult?" He gives a harsh yank to prove his point, and Seongwoo yelps slightly. 

"Enough, Jonghyun." Minhyun says, and his mouth opens to argue. "Stop arguing, and come here to help me think."

The staff flee the scene, and Jonghyun stomps over, Seongwoo in tow. 

"In case of a fashion disaster, do  _not_ try to help each other or fix your outfit if it isn't going to fall off." Minhyun briefs the boys for him as Jonghyun watches, jaw tense. "And  _you,_ stop worrying. You're going to wear out your shoes at this rate."

He sighs in defeat and perches on the arm of the chair Daehwi occupies, not protesting when the younger pulls him into his lap.

"I'm sorry." Jonghyun whispers, eyes twitching uncomfortably. "I can't believe I let this happen."

"Oh, get over it." Seongwoo teases, fingers carding through his hair. "If I had a shot everytime you apologised, I would have passed from alcohol posioning a long time ago."

"Don't say that, hyung." Guanlin chides, and Seongwoo sticks a tongue out at him. Jonghyun looks around at his group and feels oddly grateful.

"I'll be fine." Woojin's fingers come to touch his, and he glances over in worry. "After this, I'll go straight to the hospital, okay?"

"Yeah." Jonghyun replies, eyebrows drawn together in worry. "Yeah, okay."

 

Woojin is coaxed off the stage to rest and instructed not to film his individual fancam, but Jonghyun sees him sit in front, monitoring them. Guanlin is too tired for the rehearsal, eye bags hidden poorly beneath concealer. He trips up some of the parts, like his coordination with Minhyun during Daehwi's part. He apologises later, and Jonghyun can only encourage him. The boy never responded well to criticism anyway.

Seongwoo's suspenders snap just as Jonghyun expects. He takes him to find the stylist, demanding a cable tie to bind the hooks together. 

"It might still snap." The stylist warns, and Seongwoo scoffs.

"Better than nothing." He says, stomping out. Jonghyun knows the team's mood is down, especially since they've arrived the earliest and have been rushed through hair and makeup, then going to refilm their fancams. They're all tired and cranky, and Jonghyun's expression is glum. Kahi stops by to encourage them and Jonghyun nods to her in thanks, knowing what his team needs is approval. She slips him a can of RedBull, and he downs it gratefully.

"Thanks, noona." He says, their relationship having warmed. She pats his shoulder and he knows she understands.

 

The performance starts off without a hitch, and Jonghyun's heart calms slightly. It isn't until the end of Woojin's rap the first mistake happens, however.

As he whips around, the suspenders attatched to his pants snap, and the feeling makes him lose focus. He skids slightly, barely arriving onto his spot just in time. Cursing in his head, he devotes himself entirely to the performance. His part comes without any more trouble, and he pulls it off before finishing up. 

They end to a chrous of encores and applause, and Jonghyun leads his boys into a deep bow. He straightens, and puts his hands to his back, trying to fix his pants.

Boa directs them to do the individual appeal, but Jonghyun's heart suddenly threatens to come out of his throat. Minhyun sees his rapid change in expression and talks first, and the rest follow in quick succession while Jonghyun recovers. Seongwoo's right suspender is hanging off his shoulder and he frantically tries to hook it on. It's nearly embarassing as Jonghyun admits he hasn't been the best leader this time round, careful not to mention Woojin's eye. His voice wavers, and someone's hand arrives on his shoulder to calm him. They bow one last time, and then they're off the stage. 

Jonghyun notices Guanlin's expression, and the younger's face is filled with inner rage. 

"I made a mistake." Guanlin admits when he asks. "I was completely  _late_ for the first chorus."

"What can you do about it?" Jonghyun asks sympathetically. "The performance is already over. Just do well better next time."

"There might not be a next time." Guanlin mutters under his breath as the team stands together to remove their stage microphones and wind them up for the staff to keep.

"No matter what happens, we are the best." Jonghyun smiles at each of his members, forcing them to meet his eyes. They look slightly regretful, and Jonghyun purses his lips slightly.

"Yah, Woojin-ah!" Trainer Kwon calls from the back, and they all turn to see him wave enthusiastically. "You were really cool!"

Woojin blushes as red as his hair, and bends over in a deep bow. Jonghyun takes a deep breath and holds his hands out to the centre. Jaehwan puts his hands over his, then Daehwi and Minhyun, and eventually everyone's hands are stacked on each other's.

"No matter how well we do," Jonghyun says so quietly he's not sure if the others can hear him. He can barely hear himself, but when he looks up everyone is staring at him with an expression of complete trust. "I want all of you to know that it was a honour being in a team with you."

"Me too." Woojin says quietly. "I'm sorry, hyungs." 

"Shut up and get well soon, kid." Jaehwan says, bumping the boy's hip with his own. "We were worried about you."

Daehwi gives a slightly watery smile, and Seongwoo makes a huge deal about it at the sight.

"Oh my God, Lee Daehwi, the Pick Me centre looks like he's about to  _cry._ _"_ Seongwoo gasps in fake surprise. "Someone get a phone to take a video of it so we can blackmail him when he debuts."

"Stop, Ong-ie hyung." Daehwi whines, and Jonghyun smiles at them all.

"Never," He prompts.

"Fighting!"

 

Hyunbin's team is fifth place. Out of 2000 votes, they only got 83, and Jonghyun can't bear to look at Hyunbin's devastated expression. He knows how hard and how difficult it is, being the leader of a failed group. Flinching away from his thoughts, he barely feels Minhyun's tap on his back. 

He feels stunned in that moment, and feels so sorry for Hyunbin. The kid had really tried hard. Jonghyun can only hope that his team members are not feeling resentful. 

Taehyun's group is fourth, and they look somehow disappointed and relieved at the same time. Oh Little Girl is third, and Jonghyun exchanges a look with Minki behind. Minki's expression looks slightly dead and he looks down at his feet. The mood in the room is dampened when Moonbok starts crying, dabbing away the tears with his fingers and trying not to be obvious. 

Jonghyun notices as one of the staff passes Seongwoo a microphone, turning sharply to observe the situation.

"Fantagio Ong Seongwoo trainee." Boa calls. "Are you really, really,  _heol_ confident in getting first place?"

The tension in the room lightens slightly as everyone chuckles. Seongwoo giggles into the microphone and Jonghyun smiles fondly.

"About first place, I really, totally,  _daebak, heol,_ really..." Seongwoo pauses for dramatic effect. "Have confidence."

Jonghyun grins and Seongwoo exchanges a supoortive glance with him. 

"Kang Dongho?" Boa turns her attention away, and Dongho looks surprised. She challenges him to beat Seongwoo's record, and Dongho throws in some foreign phrases. Kenta nearly bowls over laughing at Dongho's Japanese.

The directors mention for them to hurry up and Jonghyun places his palms together, praying. KNOCK team gets the first place and Jonghyun masks his disappointment, clapping for them. He knows they deserve it, of course, every single one of them did. 

Their reactions and responses are filmed, and Boa gestures for him to say something as well.

"Ah, we really wanted to perform again so it's a shame." Jonghyun turns around to see Guanlin's face fill with shame. He changes the topic quickly. "To Seonho, Haknyeon and Youngmin, you've worked hard, congratulations."

They bow back to him and he throws them a thumbs up. The individual votes are released and Jonghyun swallows when he sees he's 11th place, tying in with someone else from the KNOCK team. It wasn't a bad rank, considering he only had four seconds worth of lines and the wardrobe malfunction. Woojin is third and Minhyun fourth, with Daehwi at 8th and Jaehwan ranking 13th right after him. Guanlin is 14th, and Seongwoo ranks regrettably at 17th place.

Dongho and Daniel are contenders for first place this round, and Jonghyun hides his smile and eyeroll by dipping his head when Boa releases that the results will only be shown during the elimination period. 

They finish up filming quickly, and Jonghyun deserts his team to get to Hyunbin. The boy is trembling as he runs out of the door and he follows behind closely. Hyunbin slips into a toilet, and Jonghyun goes in too.

"I'm a mess." Hyunbin says blankly. "I can't be an idol. I'm bad at dancing, at singing, at rapping, and now everyone knows I suck as a leader."

Jonghyun wraps him in a hug.

"I understand." He whispers, trying to hold the boy together. "I understand so well, Hyunbin-ah. You're not alone."

Seongwoo is the next one to reach the bathroom, banging open the door and going to pat Hyunbin's hair. He's panting from the exertion and one of his suspenders have snapped again.

"Hyunbin." He mutters. "Hyunbin, don't blame yourself."

Jonghyun goes outside while Seongwoo comforts him and Minhyun, Jisung and Jaehwan spot him from the other end of the corridoor, jogging over.

"Is he okay?" Jisung asks worriedly, then shakes his head. "That's a stupid question, isn't it? Can I go in?"

Seongwoo opens the door and Jisung steps in quickly, Jaehwan right behind him. Minhyun looks Jonghyun in the eye, saying firmly: "You need to see Woojin before he leaves to the hospital. I know Hyunbin is important to you, but Woojin is in your team, Jonghyun."

"Shit." Jonghyun yelps as he remembers. He leaves Minhyun to take care of Hyunbin, then goes to find Woojin. He finds the boy at the reception counter with Daehwi, and they both report that the car is coming round the corner. 

"Is Hyunbin-hyung okay?" Woojin asks, and Jonghyun flushes.

"Are you?" He asks in worry. "Does it hurt more?"

"I'll be fine once I get to the hospital." Woojin cracks a smile, and Jonghyun helps him up as they hobble across the lobby to get to the main doors. 

"You can't go with him." The staff insist, pushing Jonghyun and Daehwi away. He feels a hot burst of anger in that moment. 

"At least let Daehwi go." He snaps, holding the door open resolutely and the staff sigh, mentioning for the boy to hurry up. "Text me, Daehwi-ya."

"Okay, hyung. Get some rest." Daehwi replies, slamming the door shut. The engine roars to life and the car drives away. Jonghyun goes back to the waiting room for dinner, going to sit at an empty spot between Jihoon and Dongho. Guanlin is sitting on Dongho's other side, listening intently as Dongho tells him how to improve.

Daniel is digging into his dinner awkwardly with one hand opposite him. 

"Congratulations." Jonghyun smiles, a million things on his mind. "I'm proud of you."

"You should have won." Daniel says quietly. "The staff changed your outfits too late."

"It's already passed." Seongwoo says, settling into the seat next to Daniel. "What can you do about it? Just be happy you won and get that first place. Uh, no offense Dongho."

"It's fine." Dongho spares them three seconds of his attention, passing Daniel his ice cream. "Daniel should get it anyway, he worked hard."

"No, hyung worked the hardest." Daniel argues back and Jonghyun laughs.

"You both worked hard."

"But-"

"Oh shut up and eat that ice cream before I do, Niel-ah." Jaehwan rolls his eyes, pushing Hyunbin into the seat on Daniel's right and sitting down next to him.

"You okay, kid?" Dongho asks, eyes soft. Jihoon pats Hyunbin's hand silently, and Hyunbin twists his lips.

"I'm scared my team hates me." He groans, and Moonbok bounces over.

"Hyunbin-ie!" He shrieks and drags him to a table filled with the "I Know You Know" team members. They undergo a tearful reunion and Hyunbin is embraced on all sides. 

"Did Woojin leave already?" Minhyun asks, slipping into Hyunbin's vacated seat. Jonghyun nods, spooning rice into his mouth quickly.

"Four seconds and you get eleventh place." Jihoon shakes his head, leaning his head on Jonghyun's shoulder. "How the hell do you do it, hyung?"

"I don't know." Jonghyun giggles. "I really, really don't."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> things happened + i won't be able to update as often as im going overseas from tomorrow morning til the 24th. so im posting this now and hopefully i have time when im overseas (& wifi) to catch the episodes and write a little bit 
> 
> please comment! i love u guys ok have a good rest (& prepare yourselves for tomorrow's episode, it's literally in 24 hours)


	10. the calm before the storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is super short but eliminations are up next so ,,, idk if I got the timeline right but I jist wanted to do a fluffy chapter with the 35 before I write the eliminations chapter

_"Yah,_ what's this?" Jonghyun hears Daehwi shriek from outside the dorm building and he runs up the steps.  _"Who_ put this here?"

"What's going on?" He puts a hand on the frame of the door, gasping for air.

"Ah, hyung." Daehwi jumps, standing up to reveal a box on his bed. "Sorry, did I startle you? The staff gave us masks and I got a shock."

"Oh." Jonghyun exhales, sliding to the floor and holding his chest. "Please don't shriek like that. I'm going to get a heart attack."

Daehwi laughs, and Samuel slips into the room, going to observe their new find. 

"Woah, they're all colours of the rainbow." He hears someone comment, and he gets to his feet, going to his dorm. Dropping the bag on his bed, he sees Hyunbin bounce in to drop off his belongings. He opens his mouth to call out the younger's name, but Hyunbin runs back out, yelling: "I want the purple one!"

Jonghyun sighs, kicking Hyunbin's bag under the bunk. Making his way out, he is handed a tube of face mask by one of the staff. It's orange, almost tan, but Jonghyun shrugs, painting it across his face and handing it off to Woodam. Seongwoo smears some more on his face as he passes, and Jonghyun's mouth drops open in shock. Seongwoo is completely blue, and his hands are covered in the blue paste.

Jonghyun checks his face in the mirror, and he's not that surprised to find a long blue stripe on his cheek. He shrugs, and layers it across his skin carefully. Guanlin is the next one he sees, and the boy announces that Jonghyun needs some pink. He's barely given enough time to protest, and Guanlin's fingers smear the pink mask all over his forehead. 

"You look ridiculous." Minki pronounces once he seems him. Minki's own face is done carefully, the different colours on his face arranged in detailed shapes. 

"Hyung, you look a little too perfect." Hyungseob grins menancingly, but Minki's glare is enough to back him off.

"Anyone who touches me is dead." Minki says, eyes flinty. Jisung doesn't care, evidently, as he smears yellow down the back of Minki's neck.

"What the- Hyung, it's called face mask for a reason!" He whines, and Jonghyun laughs at the upset look on his face. "Are you blind?Can't you read?"

"You little shit-"

The entire dorm watches as Jisung chases Minki across the landing, bursting into laughter. They run back, and Minki hides behind Seongwoo, who's groaning and looking even bluer than before.

"I'm hungry." Seongwoo moans, and Jonghyun chuckles at Jisung's horrified expression as he sees him.

"This can't be broadcasted, can it?" Jisung asks, eyes enlarging. Minki continues using Seongwoo as a human shield.

"I'll give you food if you protect me." Minki whispers loudly. "I have honey butter chips."

Seongwoo's eyes light up, and Jonghyun ducks into the next room. Sungwoon's face is drawn on, with a large IOI across his forehead. 

"This is madness." Dongho tells him, as they watch Euiwoong tackle Hyunbin to the floor.

"No, not orange! I said purple,  _purple!"_

"It is." Jonghyun agrees. A flash of blue joins the fray, and then Taedong is somehow in the tangle of limbs. 

"Ow, that's my eye!"

Hyunbin is released, and he looks like an absolute clown.

"Sanggyun! Sanggyun!" They hear the rest chant, and Jonghyun joins Dongho as they watch Sanggyun sit on Taehyun. Jisung and Minki are holding him down even as he stuggles, and Sanggyun plasters a thick coat of green on him.

"I think we've all gone crazy." Jaehwan shakes his head sadly, and Jonghyun hides his grin behind one hand. Seongwoo is by his side in a moment, passing him the blue paste he's been hogging. He unbottles it, then squirts some out on his hand.

"Jaehwan-ah." He calls, and the younger turns to face him. With an evil laugh, he stamps a hand print of blue onto his face. Jaehwan's shriek is so high pitched everyone turns to look, and Seongwoo takes advantage of the suddden silence. 

"Face mask fight!" He commands, darting forward to nick the bottle from Euiwoong. Everyone turns into chaos, and Jaehwan grabs Jonghyun's chin, scraping his fingers down his face gently. Minhyun is suddenly there, stealing his bottle and running away with it. Minki watches calmly from his spot on the landing, only interrupted by little Woojin. 

"Hyung!" Woojin screams in delight, and Minki begins to back away. "Come here, hyung!"

Jonghyun stays still in his spot, remembering this moment. Tomorrow is the eliminations, and he tries to put it at the back of his mind. For one moment, he forgets about everything, turning to grab Seonho as the boy tries to slip past him. He steals the boy's yellow tube and goes in search of Guanlin.

It's time the chick started looking like one. 


	11. eliminate (the weak) pt.3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do you not know that I'm still missing you? Touch our loved memories, looking for the tears to leave... Your steps are already gone, and I can't hold back the tears.
> 
> \- Wind (FT Island)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a recommended playlist to ge the full elimination experience:
> 
> 1) wind (ftisland)  
> 2) if it's you (pd101)  
> 3) downpour (니나노)  
> 4) fool (winner)  
> 5) it's you (suju)  
> 6) i remember (bang yongguk ft. daehyun - bap)

"What are going to do this time?" 

"I'm going to do a pop routine." Hyunbin grins a little tiredly.

"Really?" Jonghyun keeps the bite out of his voice, fingers coming to rearrange the curl in Hyunbin's hair.

"I'll make you proud, hyung." Hyunbin says quietly, eyes fixed on the big screens. Jonghyun's hands still, and he awkwardly wraps the taller in a hug.

"You always do."

 

"15th place, PLEDIS, Choi Minki." Boa announces, and Jonghyun snaps to attention. He isn't in the best mood today. At the side, Minki drops to his knees in relief and the entire block of trainees rise to their feet in a standing ovation. Geonhee runs over to embrace him, and Minki's expression is one of disbelief. Dongho says to Minhyun that 13th place is probably him, and Jonghyun adjusts his clothes before he realises he isn't being the one addressed.

Unfortunately, the place goes to Jaehwan and Jonghyun claps for him, feeling a little numb inside.

"It's the first time he dropped." Minhyun mutters under his breath, folding his fingers in worry.

"Better now than later." Jonghyun says. The sudden drop would probably make his fans vote for him more desperately.

Dongho hits 12th place, and they all nod in acknowledgement. Jonghyun had expected all of the PLEDIS trainees to drop. He had his phone with him during the break and he had scrolled through PANN. The fans had split their votes so Minki would make it through, and it was a smart move, since the votes would be reset.

The 'daddy sexy' quip falls a little flat, and his reaction is late. Jonghyun stares in his lap, praying that the eliminations pass quickly.

"I'm going to die with all this waiting." Jonghyun smiles a little, muscles tense from sitting too long. They're about to announce the 11th place, and the music seems to be getting even louder. It grates on his nerves slightly.

"PLEDIS," 

His heart jumps in his chest slightly.

"Don't tell me it's Jonghyun-hyung." Samuel hisses loudly, and he closes his eyes. 

"Hwang Minhyun." Minhyun's calm gaze meets his, and then he's off to the stage. Jonghyun feels incredibly alone in that moment, surrounded by empty seats.

"You're handsome!" Seongwoo shrieks, and the trainees clap in unision. Minhyun bursts into his rendition of "Marry Me" during his appreciation speech and Jonghyun dips his head into his chest to keep himself from laughing. Seonho's reaction is shown on the screen and the boy looks like he's in love.

Daehwi is next and the boy presents his speech just like the way he rehearsed. One of the many things Jonghyun appreciates about Daehwi is his sensibility. He's smart enough to say the right things, and thick-skinned enough to milk criticism for advice. Jisung explodes into tears as he's called, and Seongwoo's speech for his ranking is a little solemn. 

"In 7th place, PLEDIS' Kim Jonghyun." Boa says, and Jonghyun gets to his feet. It's about time he's supposed to be called anyway. The sacrifice of his stable top position for Minki's survival is worth it. "All PLEDIS trainees have survived the third elimination round." 

Jonghyun makes his speech short and to the point, speaking on behalf of his boys. Woojin joins him, and Jonghyun gives him a thumbs up. Samuel's fifth place, and Dongho shoots to his feet. 

Jonghyun keeps an eye out for Guanlin and Hyunbin. Neither have been called, and Daniel's benefit was enough to push him to the higher ranks. They're released for a short break, and Jonhyun drops his head to his knees. 

Sungwoon makes it to the Top 4, and Jonghyun's mouth drops open in shock. Guanlin's out of the top positions for the first time, and the surprising event screws Jonghyun's plans over.

 

Lee Euiwoong is 23rd, and only Hyunbin, Yongguk and Guanlin are left to fight for thr last place in the eliminations. Jonghyun breathes heavily, and Seongwoo next to him leans over to take his hand. 

When the results flash, Jonghyun can't quite believe his eyes. Hyunbin's been eliminated, and he distantly feels Seongwoo drop his hand, bringing both hands to his mouth in horror.

_No. No, no, no, no. This is not happening._

Hyunbin stands, and there's a roar in Jonghyun's ears. 

_You failed again._

Hyunbin opens his mouth to speak, but Jonghyun can't hear him. He's blinking furiously, and the first tear leaks from one eye. Then another falls.

Alarmed, Jonghyun pats them away, isolating himself from the situation. So it's with a mechanic smile Guanlin recieves when he looks up at him, and the forced smile on his face cannot reach his eyes. It's with the practice of a well oiled machine that Jonghyun says his greetings to the "nation's producers". Everyone leaves their seats once they're finished, but Jonghyun sits back down into his, breathing laboured pants.

He sees Seongwoo leap down the stairs to crush little Woojin in a hug, and his eyes drift to Daniel as the boy scampers down the stairs from the throne, nearly falling over and breaking another bone. Minki in front is frozen in his seat as well, and Dongho has an armful of a sobbing Kenta, patting his hair down. Jonghyun gets up slowly, smiling emptily when Moonbok comes up to him. His body seems to be running on auto-pilot, and he hugs Moonbok before going to pat little Woojin.

"Hyung, you have to do well." Woojin mutters, and Jonghyun's tears start again. 

Meeting Hyunbin is the worst.

He's surrounded on all sides, and the crowd of trainees part for Jonghyun as he walks to him. 

"Hyunbin, you did the best." He says, keeping his voice strong. "I'm so proud of you."

The shake in the boy's shoulders subside a little, and he tries to smile, letting Minhyun talk to Hyunbin. Jaehwan's face is scrunched up from crying too hard, and even Seongwoo can't control his expressions. Jonghyun pats Hyunbin's shoulder once, then moves on to Sanggyun.

"Hey." He says quietly, and Sanggyun turns to him with a smile.

"You dropped." Sanggyun teases, and Jonghyun shrugs. "You need to get more parts in the next evaluation, you idiot. You're my fixed pick."

Jonghyun sighs, and Sanggyun takes his hand.

"Seriously, though." He whispers. "You need to do well, Jonghyun."

"Why are you not sad?" Jonghyun blurts out, and Sanggyun beams.

"No use. The results are out, and I'm just happy that I made it this far." He says simply, turning away to attend to an emotional Euiwoong. Taehyun hugs Jonghyun from behind and Jonghyun sighs. 

"Cheer up, we'll see each other soon." Taehyun winks, and pinches his cheek before being attacked by Samuel, who pulls him to the side.

 

Once official shooting ends, Jonghyun runs back to Hyunbin. The tears are forming again at the corner of his eyes, and Hyunbin has already started crying again.

"Hyunbin." Jonghyun keens. "Please."

Minhyun is sobbing openly, fingers clenched in Hyunbin's shirt. Daniel's lip trembles dangerously, and Jaehwan is dabbing tears from his face. Hyunbin's arm is covering his face, and he's wailing incoherently. 

"You would have made it." Jonghyun hiccups slightly, and Minhyun's hand comes to grip his own. "You... I..."

Seongwoo shoves everyone off Hyunbin roughly and tackles him into a hug, joined promptly by the rest. Jonghyun tilts Hyunbin's head down so he can press their foreheads together, the tears making a mess of their makeup.

"Hyunbin." He sobs. "Hyunbin."

"Hyung, I'm sorry." Jonghyun makes out and he shakes his head, letting Jaehwan wrap his arms around him. 

"No." He says, feeling the sorrow rise up in him. "I'm the one who's sorry."

Daniel nearly cracks Jaehwan's head open with his cast as he brings Hyunbin in for another hug, pressing his chin into Hyunbin's chest. 

"Bin-ie." He croons, smoothing back the pink locks stuck to his forehead. "Hyunbin, you have to come back, okay?"

"Yeah." Hyunbin says, then his eyes drift to Minhyun's. Minhyun's face has turned to stone, and he turns to glare menancingly at the camera that comes nearby.

"Stop filming this and let us have this." He berates, eyes alight with fire. "Get _out_ of my sight. I can't _believe-"_

"Hyung." Hyunbin distangles himself from Daniel and goes to wrap his long arms around him. Minhyun is impassive until the camera leaves, then he breaks down again. Jonghyun can't watch, and he flees to the toilets. It's much quieter here, but he sees Minki sitting on the floor, head tilted back with his eyes closed. His entrance makes him look up, and they share a look of pure agony.

"I know." Minki says, grabbing his hand. "I know, Jonghyun-ah."

When Jonghyun's legs give way, Minki catches him, lowering him to the floor gently. He's run out of tears, so he sits on the floor wirh Minki, sharing the small space until the announcement for all eliminated trainees to leave comes on.

 

Minhyun passes him a blue shirt with his name on the back as he jogs to his spot next to Seongwoo. He nods to him in thanks, noticing the red eyes and swollen faces of everyone in the room.

Boa strides into the room in a new outfit, and Jonghyun can't help but think bitterly about how they're trying to brush the elimination under the carpet, just like that.

His expression is still forced into one of despair, and one of the staff complains about their expressions loudly. He tries to school his into something more cheerful, and the years of hiding behind a happy smile come in useful.

Jonghyun dazes slightly, eyes unfocused until Boa reveals that there are two songs to be done during the evaluation. He thinks quickly, realising that there will be a competition if there are two teams doing a song each. The producers would undoubtedly compare them. However, each member would probably get more parts. He tilts his head and scowls.

The board is brought in and revealed, and he scans through the lyric sheets passed to him. Videos by each of the producers are played as well, but Jonghyun is hardly in the mood to deal with their pleasantries, instead giving the standard expressions needed for broadcast.

He shakes himself to focus on each song, listening carefully. The "Super Hot" song appeals to him more, so he takes note of the rapper positions. It would be impractical to choose a vocal position  _now,_ so close to the final evaluations. Better to play safe, so Jonghyun circles the Rapper 2 position with a pencil. It has the smallest parts, between both songs, so Jonghyun knows all he has to do is practice his dance. 

With his calculations, the producing team would try to make him leader again. Following the trend, Jonghyun would show an image of consistency, and he was okay with that. 

"Your expression looks great, Niel." Jaehwan calls from the back and Jonghyun looks up from his notes to see Daniel ask Jaehwan to be a rapper. As he turns back, Daniel looks at him intently and Jonghyun shakes his head.

Youngmin picks Rapper 1, and Jonghyun cringes slightly. He had avoided Youngmin in NEVER, but it seemed that he wouldn't be able to this time. Guanlin chooses the Rapper 3 position, and Sungwoon comments about the number of parts. Jonghyun lowers his head to study his shoes as Minhyun turns to look at him. 

"They thought a lot about this." Minhyun turns his attention to Jisung. Jonghyun nods silently. Minki plays safe by getting the smallest vocal parts of the song, and Jonghyun nods to him in approval. No matter how much Minki had unwittingly invested into his relationships with the other trainees, he was still wary. A good thing.

Jaehwan picks Main Vocal for the other song, followed closely by Dongho who picks a sub vocal position. Minhyun kicks Sewoon out bluntly and Jonghyun tenses at how ruthless his actions are. Hwang Minhyun has decided to fight, and Jonghyun keeps a tense watch over him. He checks the parts Sewoon has received, noting with slight relief that the number of parts is nearly the same. Sewoon groans, but Jonghyun whispers it over to him, covering his microphone and trying to cover Minhyun's back.

Daehwi moves Haknyeon down to Rapper 2, and Jonghyun lets out a sound of frustration. The boy hears him and looks up, surprised. Daehwi might have ruined everything, so Jonghyun prays that there is a vocal position left in the same song for Haknyeon when he replaces him.

"Sorry." Daehwi mouths in alarm, and Jonghyun waves him off, frowning. Jisung replaces Dongho, matching the other's heated gaze with a cool raise of his eyebrows.

Seongwoo teases Minhyun and Jaehwan, but Jonghyun knows he won't touch them. They were like family, after all. Jonghyun nearly contemplates banging his head into a wall as Seongwoo moves Dongho to the last vocal position in the song. Sighing, he evaluates that it was perhaps for the best. Haknyeon wasn't the fastest learner, and he was swept up in controversy after the dance evaluations.

His name is called out, and he puts the sheath of papers between his lips, passing Haknyeon off to the other team and claiming his spot. 

Jonghyun is worried about Woojin, since they were so similar. They had stood at equal footing when auditioning for the main rapper position for NEVER, until he decided to bow out.

"I'm really worried." He yelps, bringing both hands to his head and dropping to his knees. Seonho laughs at him from the back, but Jonghyun can only pray. "Ah, I'm going crazy."

Woojin doesn't fail him, instead taking on the Rapper 1 position in the other team. Sungwoon is another story, kicking Minhyun to sub-vocal 4 with equal ruthlessness. 

"I'm just thankful he didn't push me to another song." Minhyun emphasises. It's smooth, and Jonghyun nods. 

"It really is a competition, isn't it?" He mutters and Seongwoo nods, jaw slack with surprise. Jihoon picks the last rapper part, and Daniel moves Sungwoon to main vocal in a surprise move. He's pitting Sungwoon against Jaehwan, Jonghyun realises, and himself against Samuel. 

Or, a voice whispers in his mind, he wants to avoid being evil edited by making a rapper do main vocal. Sungwoon is a good fit, nonetheless. Jonghyun would have done it too if he were in the same position.

 

Minki asks Jonghyun to sit on the little raised step, saying that it makes him look taller. The attempt at raising his spirits makes him cheer up a little, but he elbows Minki at the insult anyway.

"Please choose a leader." The staff prompt, and everyone turns to look at him. An election is held, and he wins it anyway. He accepts the sticker with thanks, letting Hyungseob pat it on him gently.

"Who wants to be the centre?" Sungwoon asks immediately, scouting out the competition. Jonghyun keeps his hand down, knowing the burden of both positions is too hard for him to carry. 

"How do we vote the centre though? By voting?" He asks, a little confused.

"Weren't you listening?" Minki questions, trying to win a smile from him. Jonghyun's shy smile is slightly dead as he looks at his feet. The others throw out increasingly far-fetched ideas about how to vote for a centre, trying to save the mood. Jonghyun recovers quickly, telling everyone to try the positions. Dongho steps out to do his interview, and Daehwi's attempt falls slightly flat. Samuel valiantly tries to encourage him, and Seonho reaches the note with a little bit of strain in his voice. Hyungseob fails, and Youngmin resorts to a slight falsetto. Minki overdoes it slightly, changing his vocal colour, but he reaches the note nonetheless. 

"Lady Gaga!" Daehwi claps in excitement, followed closely by Hyungseob.

"I have to do it too?" Jonghyun asks in trepidation when everyone turns to look at him. "Ah, I don't want to be a centre though?"

The team forces him to do it anyway and he tries, cringing with embarassment afterwards. They all shriek in surprise when Guanlin sings, and Jonghyun scratches his head in slight disbelief. Samuel reaches the note, but barely. Jonghyun tells them to sleep on it and think over their parts. 

"I'm worried about the choreography though." Jonghyun points out, and Daehwi gestures roughly to Samuel.

"Samuel's here, we'll be fine!" He says with a cheerful grin and Samuel turns to look at Jonghyun with a meaningful look. It was Jonghyun who first taught him how to dance after all. They disperse for individual practice, and Jonghyun is called for his individual interviews.

 

It's early morning when he gets back to the dorm. A glance at the empty bed next to his makes him frown, and he goes to wash his face sullenly. No one in the room is in the mood for talking, so nobody does. Jonghyun plops down on his bed once he's done washing up. He turns away from the light into the depths of his bunk, then he sees something tucked between his pillow and the wall. 

It's a Squirtle soft toy, and next to it is a letter. Jonghyun swallows the lump in his throat, and Minhyun in the bunk diagonally across mutters: "Hyunbin, ah, this kid-"

Turning, he sees Minhyun holding one of Hyunbin's soft toys. He identifies it immediately as Susu, the corn shaped, ratty thing bringing the memory of him packing Hyunbin's old bunk. He looks back down at the letter in his lap, then unfolds it. 

_Hyung, do well for me. I'll take my toy back when you debut. Love, Hyunbin-ie._

_P.S. You're the best leader in the world._

A hiccup falls from his lips, and Jonghyun presses them together. Minhyun ducks down into his bunk, pressing their shoulders together, and he leans into his embrace, letting one silent tear creep down his cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's to my favs kenta, sanggyun, geonhee, taehyun, yongguk, euiwoong and my little puppy, kwon hyunbin. i hope all of you debut with all my heart, i will wait for you. and with that, more than half my original lineup has been eliminated.
> 
> i hope jonghyun crying in the next episode is just for his birthday bc i think he's going to be affected by the elimination round
> 
> i'm on my way to the airport for my flight to bangkok now!! really hoping i can be somewhere with wifi by friday so i can watch the finals but djsndjend idk i'm so uneasy and everything if the remainder of justice league and samuel don't debut i'm jumping on the next plane to korea to beat the crap out of mnet   
> also, give me comments to respond to so i don't die of boredom waiting for my flight LOL I LOVE U GUYS


	12. a/n

lol fuck you guys know i hate doing this but-

KIM JONGHYUN AND SAMUEL DESERVES BETTER KOREAN PEOPLE WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING-

 

i don't think i can write this properly soon, maybe next week when i am calm enough to rewatch it i will.

meanwhile i have MORII and another fic in my drafts (social media!2hyun) to write so i'll focus on those two first. thank u to everyone and wow it's been such a journey but i'm still upset. all the best to wanna one, i'm sorry but i can't stan you fully without jonghyun.


	13. the last

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i cant do this. im sorry, but this fic stops here.

"Jonghyun-ah, let's record." Ryan Jhun gestures him into the studio and Jonghyun walks in with a cheerful step. He had blown off the allowance from the company by buying all the staff there expensive drinks, and he sure hopes it's worth it. He grabs the headset and puts it on easily, and he runs through the song with the producer once before he starts.

"Hold on, hold on." Jonghyun feels the stones of uncertainity settle in the base of his stomach and he swallows. "How did you feel when you're listening to this?"

_Your feel is wrong._

"Me? I'll do it again." He reports, and Ryan Jhun nods sternly. He's rewarded with a heavy sigh, and the fear solidifies. The producers make him do it ten times more before Ryan throws his pen down to rub one hand over his head. He plays the song again, but Jonghyun misses the cue because he's thinking about where he's gone wrong.

"Oh, I'm sorry." He gushes and the look he receives cuts him to the bone.

"Get yourself together!" The producer thunders. "Step out, now!"

"You have years of experience. Including trainee years, haven't you done this for nine years?" Ryan lectures and Jonghyun tries to maintain his expression. "Right now it's Daehwi that's doing the guide. Should I give your part to someone else?"

_**No, I can't lose this too.** _

"I'm sorry, I will work harder." The plea slips into his voice and the producer's face softens slightly.

"Go back and do it again." He waves him off, and Jonghyun stumbles back in, barely registering Dongho's comment. There's a slight roar in his ears, and his breathing turns shallow.

"Your tone is too high again!" The composer shouts, and Jonghyun flinches harshly, curling into himself. "Why are you so bad? Can't you get yourself together?"

"I'll get myself under control." Jonghyun slips over a few words in his hurry to reply. He can't see from the tiny screen, can't reas everyone's expressions. It drives him a little mad, and he takes off his headset to speak to Ryan.

"What the  _hell_ are you doing?" He continues lecturing and the fragment of an unwanted memory bursts beneath his eyelids.

_"What the hell are you doing? Do you think you're entertainment veterans? Your group is almost like a rookie group, you know that? Your albums aren't even making money! How dare you go back to the dorms when you barely practiced at all-"_

He pauses slightly before he turns the knob. 

The first thing he sees is Ryan Jhun's grinning face. He turns just as his team begins singing, and his mind goes blank.

_"Happy birthday to you,"_

He crumples to the floor, groaning. The tears that had begun to form while recording now flow down his face, and he sniffles into the arm of the sofa. His fingers come up to his hair to card through it, and he stands up to hide in the studio before coming back.

"He's crying!" Daehwi shrieks in joy, and Sungwoon pulls him to blow the candles out on the cake. Jonghyun goes to see if Ryan is really celebrating his birthday and the composer grins.

"Youe first try was perfect." He nods and Minki tucks him into a hug just as his legs nearly give way.

"I thought I matched the beat well, so I didn't know what he was talking about." Jonghyun whines just as Minki moves to demolish the cake.

"This question is really cliched, but how do you feel now?" Samuel somehow manages to grab a camera, and Jonghyun growls deep in his throat.

"You are all dead." He hisses, barely controlling his laugh of relief. "Dead, I tell you, oh my God."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i've come to terms with It and here's what I want to say.
> 
> it really, really sucks that Jonghyun won't be able to debut with Wanna One, but I feel him not debuting might have produced even greater results than if he had debuted. We'll never know this for certain, of course. Firstly, Jonghyun was liked, and not loved. There's a very important difference between both words. Love is your first pick, your bias. Like is your second pick, the one you pick after your favourite. I guess when Mnet suddenly cut down to one pick, this is where Jonghyun missed out. Another thing is the release of the mid way results, which probably caused most of the LOVEs to vote for Minhyun (which secured their debut) rather than for Dongho or Jonghyun. 
> 
> Him missing the debut cutline really caused both national and international outrage, and his name trended for so long in Korea I doubt there's a person who's never heard his name. Social media feeds were spammed with tributes to him, and as people always do when they are faced with something new, interesting and 'in' : they get curious. They start asking things like, which Jonghyun? How does he look like? Is he that great that everyone's grieving? 
> 
> 'Hello' and almost all their albums shot up the music charts, which means they pop up more often in the recommended playlists for users. It's really amazing, that so many people are encountering NU'EST's music and learning more about them. 
> 
> All this definitely isn't worth Minhyun's pain and suffering, but I just want to tell my readers please please please don't sign the petition that's been put up by international fans. Produce 101 is a Korean show, marketed for the Koreans. There is no reason international fans should influence it, and besides, Wanna One has already begun their schedules. 
> 
> Okay, that's all from me! This work will be left alone since I'm done with it, but please do anticipate my next works MORII & #hyunsquared

**Author's Note:**

> comment pls bc i'm a loser & i need support


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